Perhaps There Is Such a Thing as Too Much Introspection
You know what I am now? Grownup enough to delay gratification. So throw me a freaking party.
Anytime anyone says, “You have to play the game,” or “Don’t let them know how interested you are,” I tune out and shut down. At the first sign of this well-meaning advice, I go deaf. Because I stubbornly cling to the idea of just not having found that right person yet, that I’m not going to “settle,” that instead I’ll wait and be alone until I find that right guy and can truly be myself.
Yeah, right.
The reality is I’ve probably cheated myself out of any number of relationships by being too eager, too transparent, too willing to drop or change plans in order to see a guy, or worse, make no plans in hopes that I’ll be seeing the guy.
If I had played it a little smarter, shown a little bit of restraint – delayed my gratification, in other words – maybe I’d still be in one of those relationships.
The flip side to that is, Do I want a relationship in which I have to constantly monitor myself, judiciously doling out compliments and phone calls so as not to appear too eager?
Um, no, but the choice is between that and nothing or going it my way, which inevitably leads to getting hurt.
Seems that to have a relationship, to sustain it, is to not ever really let go and have that fast-down-a-roller-coaster feeling that you get only in those giddy early days of a relationship when you really like him and he really likes you. Or maybe that’s an ABC After School Special I’m thinking of and not real life.
Sometimes being a grownup just sucks. All these grownup rules are proven and unfortunately they work. It makes me feel sad and want to mourn for the time before I knew better.
But fine. I’ll know better next time – ever there is a next time (pardon my melodrama).
What I feel most right now is resignation – a dull grayness, not even bright red anger. Just blahiness.
Anytime anyone says, “You have to play the game,” or “Don’t let them know how interested you are,” I tune out and shut down. At the first sign of this well-meaning advice, I go deaf. Because I stubbornly cling to the idea of just not having found that right person yet, that I’m not going to “settle,” that instead I’ll wait and be alone until I find that right guy and can truly be myself.
Yeah, right.
The reality is I’ve probably cheated myself out of any number of relationships by being too eager, too transparent, too willing to drop or change plans in order to see a guy, or worse, make no plans in hopes that I’ll be seeing the guy.
If I had played it a little smarter, shown a little bit of restraint – delayed my gratification, in other words – maybe I’d still be in one of those relationships.
The flip side to that is, Do I want a relationship in which I have to constantly monitor myself, judiciously doling out compliments and phone calls so as not to appear too eager?
Um, no, but the choice is between that and nothing or going it my way, which inevitably leads to getting hurt.
Seems that to have a relationship, to sustain it, is to not ever really let go and have that fast-down-a-roller-coaster feeling that you get only in those giddy early days of a relationship when you really like him and he really likes you. Or maybe that’s an ABC After School Special I’m thinking of and not real life.
Sometimes being a grownup just sucks. All these grownup rules are proven and unfortunately they work. It makes me feel sad and want to mourn for the time before I knew better.
But fine. I’ll know better next time – ever there is a next time (pardon my melodrama).
What I feel most right now is resignation – a dull grayness, not even bright red anger. Just blahiness.
posted by KDA at 9:28 AM
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