Which Brings Me To You

For whatever reason - and they are many and varied - it would seem that in a couple of weeks I'm getting together with Flybastard. It's not a date, per se. We enjoy each other and are going to indulge ourselves. This means no emotional tie-ups, no stupid probing questions (that would be from me), just no. Fun.

If I can do this thing here and not get all wrapped up, I'm going to be super proud of myself. And it will, so there.

I would hope after the disappearing act he did last year and ensuing debacle over my watch (don't get me started) I wouldn't be silly enough to go there again.

You know? I am looking forward to seeing him, to hanging out with him and yet not getting all vested in something that's not there. Just...having fun. If I was being completely honest with myself, I'd admit that actually - that sounds just right.

I arrived at this whole thought process over the weekend, which may or may not have had anything to do with this:

The Fridge 'O Beer
The most beer my fridge has ever seen. It didn't quite know what to think.


The Auxilliary Cooler
Don't let the innocent bottles of water on top fool you; they were there strictly for hydration purposes only.

Yeah, it was a pretty good weekend, actually.

Back in the Saddle Again (?)

I’m surprised to find myself here again but I may actually be entering the dating fray again. Naturally, I had to let you all know and get you to weigh in.

The cast of characters:

Coach – This guy lives in my town and I think is a couple of years younger than me. Divorced. He has these brown puppy dog eyes you could just drown in. Cute, cute, cute. And a good person as exhibited by his community involvement.

The drawback is that he’s shy. I’ve always equated shyness with lack of self confidence. But maybe I’m wrong about that. Friends have pointed out that one doesn’t necessarily mean the other. I learned a few weeks ago that he asked for my phone number. As of yet, he hasn’t called. I will likely see him briefly this weekend. I’m wondering just how bold I can be about suggesting we grab a bite to eat or something. Then again, I wonder what on earth we’d talk about if he’s that shy.

The Phantom – This guy was recommended by two friends in town. He’s single, never married, in his 40s. He lived in England for a time, is into classic cars, and is intelligent. The people I’ve mentioned him to are crazy about him. He’s good friends with my good friend, R. She used to see him around town pretty regularly but since she and I first talked about him, she hasn’t seen him anywhere. Typical! She has been trying to come up with a way we could just meet, like she could have a get together. She said it’d be just our luck he’d happen to be out of town that wkend and there we’d be.

Last night I talked to her and said why didn’t she just tell him the next time she sees him that she has someone she’d like him to meet and go from there. I hate that I’m already projecting this much onto somebody but she told me he looks a lot like Aiden on Sex in the City! Oh my goh! I’ve loved Jon Corbett since he was on Northern Exposure. He sounds like a great guy and I’ve already daydreamed and Hollywood –scripted how a date with him could go, which is precisely how I set myself up for the big falls.

Weird Al – He contacted me after reading a column I wrote for a local publication. He seems nice, professional, educated, intelligent but man alive is he coming on strong. I politely responded to his first email telling him I didn’t know that I really had time for an involvement right now but could always use more friends. From that, he emailed back, asked me out for the next night (tonight) and said he’d ordered a book for from Amazon for me. And there’s more, much more weirdness.

Either this guy is absolutely great or is really creepy. I can’t decide which. He’s certainly eager. He’s suggested we get together for lunch next week. I’ve checked out the particulars of stuff he’s mentioned and it all checks out. Everything he’s said is true and people who know him from the community where he lives assures me he’s perfectly safe. He does well financially and travels a lot. Oh and also? He’s had a lot of plastic surgery. Which he told me about in the first email. I haven’t seen a picture of him but he said he’d rate himself a 5 on a scale of 1 to 10. He’s an avid church member, which I like, but um, he also says he doesn’t believe in sex outside of marriage. Hm. Does this mean he’s a 47 year old virgin? Seriously.

Neighbor – Wow. I saw this guy, who lives across the street, working in his yard a few weeks ago with his two children and thought then that he is super cute. My friend R. is also friends with him and went on and on about how very nice he is, although he has a girlfriend. Two weeks ago I saw him and made a point to introduce myself, just being neighborly and all. And again, Wow. He is every bit as nice as R. said. Tall, nice looking. Did I mention nice? Personable, too. He seemed like somebody I’d love to kick back with over a beer or two, like he’d be somebody a lot of fun to hang out with.

When we met, we agreed we’d get our kids together the next time our wkends coordinated. He also told me not to be a stranger, than anytime I saw folks at his house cooking out and gathered to come on over. I do hope I hear from him. In the interim R. thinks he and his girlfriend have broken up or aren’t that serious. Honestly, I’d like to have him as a friend, if nothing else.

Nick – He comes highly recommended from a good friend. He lives out of town, about an hour and a half away. I talked to him on the phone right after Christmas. We stayed on the phone for over two hours, talking about books and movies and religion and everything. I enjoyed the conversation. He called me the next week and maybe the week after that. For some reason, and I truly don’t know why, I never returned the phone calls. I know, I know. That’s bad behavior that if somebody did to me would get them labeled a player or jerk. I called him last night and left him a voice mail. One little thing (no pun intended) is he mentioned that time on the phone that he’s 5’9”. I hate to be like this, but I do like tall. Being shallow is so unattractive.

It was brought to my attention that perhaps I’m being a wee bit picky. And if I’m going to be so damn picky, I can’t be whiny about the fact that I haven’t had a date in over A YEAR. Point taken.

With that in mind, I’m trying to keep an open mind, even about Weird Al, although I really don’t know what to make of all that.

Remember The Farmer? For some reason, I’m remembering him fondly, wondering what exactly it was that was so offputting about him. He was nice, older (which I like), smart, well read, and clearly interested. What was so wrong with him? (See above, being picky)

I guess I feel like with the ex and the guy before him, I settled. I don’t want to do that again. Or rather, I won’t do that again. There are worse things than being alone. After a year of peaks and troughs with the online dating, I went cold turkey – no dating, online or otherwise. No crushes since Brad Pitt and Clark Gable don’t count.

I got it fixed in my head – the not settling – and maybe I set the standards too high. Maybe I’m not giving these guys a chance who may, if nothing else, turn out to be cool guys I may could be friends with. It could happen, right?

This is my pattern, one I’ve fairly well broken in other areas of my life, and it’s a pattern of all or nothing. Either I’m a dating fiend, boy crazy all the time or it’s completely off. No in between. Which is crazy. And not so much working.

This is a different tactic. A step, perhaps tentative, into a world with a social life, while remaining on track with the other important projects in my life.

That’s it for now. Updates to come when something newsworthy happens.

Another Reason to Avoid TV

I won’t get into my spiel about how I’m alone and not dating but IT’S OKAY, because really, if it was okay, would I have to say it’s okay? I think not.

What’s hard is the things that catch you off guard, the ones you don’t see coming.

Like during the holidays or around my birthday I may expect a certain amount of loneliness, forelorneness, to feel a tad desolate at time but simply enjoying life one Saturday afternoon and out of the blue…

And it’s a commercial for crying out loud. For bread. Nature’s Own. It’s this song, a duet by singers whose voices are so clear and pure it makes me think of a mountain stream that John Denver might have sung about.

Judging by the woman’s voice, I’d guess she is attractive with shiny, healthy hair, the kind of person who makes her own granola, so that you kind of want to hate her for that but you can’t because you like her so much.

And the guy. He has salt and pepper hair, soft, genial lines on his face from smiling and listening earning while nodding slightly. He wears jeans a lot and appreciates good conversation the way others do fine art.

The lyrics on the commercial, which is an actual song and everything:

I don’t love you much do I
just more than all the stars in the sky
I don’t love you much do I
I think you hung the moon and that’s alright
See how it sparkles in my eyes
I couldn’t hide it if I tried- that’s right
I don’t love you much do I
just more than anything else in this whole world

Here is proof positive that I am kinda sad. Should a bread commercial really evoke this level of feeling?

What Guys Think Women Like

Flashy sportscars. Unless we’re 16 and you’re a pedophile? Then no. Any man, no matter how wealthy he is, who drives a red Ferrari/Corvette/Porsche is clearly compensating for something. It may be, um, things of a physical nature, or the lack thereof. It may be things of an emotional nature; this guy refuses to get close and have an actual relationship but hey! He has a Ferrari/Corvette/Porsche. Which he thinks will be good enough, which is why he’s wrong.

He could also be having the inevitable mid life crisis, in which case, we women are grateful that he is so clichéd and unoriginal. The red Ferrari/Corvette/Porsche states as clearly as a tattoo on his forehead that he is indulgent, self-absorbed, possibly whiny and not anyone to get involved with.

Being laid back. Back in the day, when I used to do the online dating thing, this was inevitably something men would say to describe themselves. Sometimes it was the only thing in the way of description, “I’m laid back and easy going. If you’re looking for mind games, look somewhere else. I enjoy spending time outdoors, walking in the rain, and cuddling on the couch.” Barf.

What does laid back mean, anyway? Everyone thinks they’re laid back and easy going. If that was actually true, there’d be no such thing as Valium. It’s a meaningless phrase that’s more than likely untrue and worse than that, it’s lazy thinking. I don’t know if there are legions of men who’ve been told, “You’re just too uptight!” just before a glass of wine is tossed in their face as their girlfriend flounces from the restaurant, but I don’t see where being laid back is all that great of an asset. I’d much prefer ambitious, loves to laugh, reads a lot and not just the sports pages and Maxim and don’t say the cereal box, trying to be funny – it ain’t, and enjoys good conversation. See that? Infinitely more appealing than drivel about being laid back and easy going. Get over yourself. Try this: actually think.

Red roses. Apparently somewhere in the manly manual it says that red roses right all wrongs. Right…just like saying, “You’re beautiful when you’re angry,” gets a guy all the ass he can stand. I know that’s how it always was on The Love Boat. But in real life red roses are such a lazy choice that I’d just as soon have my favorite chips and candy bar. I think more thought would go into that than buying a stupid bouquet of red roses with the baby’s breath. Or actually, a gift card to Target would be better than that.

Little hint, guys: Women will tell you the flowers they like. If you even half listen part of the time, you should pick this up. Just listen. Then make a mental note to get those flowers in that color for her birthday/your wedding anniversary/Valentine’s and you are assured to score – and a BJ is entirely possible - each time.

When I was getting married, I desperately wanted a bouquet of tulips for my wedding. I said this. Out loud. Several times. I cut out pictures depicting the bouquet and the ribbon I wanted. The person who was doing the flowers may or may not have been closely related to the groom. My bouquet was…roses! And in no way resembled – at all – what I wanted. I cried on my wedding day and my soon to be husband thought I was being ridiculous and took the other person’s side, the person who did the flowers who may or may not have been closely related to the groom.

During the honeymoon, every time I thought of those flowers, tears welled up, although I said not one more word about them. But I did mention anytime I could possibly work it into conversation, that, “Gee, do I love tulips!” Don’t you think that, oh, I don’t know, getting me a bouquet, or crap, a potted plant of tulips for an anniversary gift would have been appropriate? Do you think this ever happened? Are you surprised we’re divorced?

WTF was I talking about anyway?

Look Who's Here!

(Cough) Whoa. Lots of dust and cobwebs here.

So after a long hiatus, I’m back. Kinda. Not that I have any news on the dating front to report, but I do have some observations on single life in general.

And if I did have any news on the dating front, I’m not sure I’d share it here. I’m still not altogether certain that FlyBastard didn’t happen upon this blog. (If you’re reading this, Hi, John. Asshole.)

First of all. The movie “The Lakehouse.” Did you see it? It was nine kinds of awful, the lamest shit ever, with the possible exception of “The Breakup,” which was THE lamest shit ever.

Secondly, the holidays were harder than I thought they would be, both logistically and emotionally. Doing all the holidaying that I do on my own was a. Lot. Of. Work. Which I knew going in, but that’s me; I take on more than I should and then am all martyrlike about it. Then there was the nobody to snuggle in front of the tree with, no fun shopping trip with a nice dinner to top it off, no rehashing of the extended family gathering with a boyfriend. So there was that. I wasn’t sorry to see December 26th arrive.

(It’s funny – I wrote the above yesterday afternoon. The timing of that will matter in just a minute.)

Lastly, I may have a new crush. Last night I met this guy who is a writer and way cute. I didn’t get an interested vibe from him - at all - but still. It’s fun to have a little crush. It does seem serendipitious (wait, actually the movie "Serendipity" is the worst movie in romantic comedy history) that I thought to resurrect this blog on the very day that I meet a crush, my first one in ages.

There was another guy last night who I’d met before and he is also a writer who has self published. He and I chatted a bit. He teaches art and seems to be a very different, creative type, who may take himself just a wee bit too seriously. Not bad looking just not my type. My type being people who I find really attractive. If my life were a John Hughes film, the flashy good looking guy (see the writer guy in the previous paragraph) is the one I’d be all crushed out on (Jake Ryan or Blaine) but the quiet, buddy-guy who I’d ignore and take for granted is who I should ultimately end up with (Ducky). Did you all get those 80 movies references?

Can I Get a Patent on That?

Yesterday afternoon driving home, I heard a commercial on the radio for www.wealthymen.com This is not a joke. It is an honest to goodness online dating web site that apparently screens the men to make sure they are indeed wealthy. Maybe it screens the women, too. I'm not exactly sure how it works. I didn't look at the site too long as I was at work and it looked like it could be a site for high-priced call girls. It seems like the women browsing the site would have to be screened, no? Otherwise, why not just call it golddiggers.com or lookingforasugardaddy.com?

When you think of it, it's not a bad idea. A web site for wealthy men, I mean. It's understandable that men of a certain socio-economic status would want dates from the same type of background.

It's not a bad concept. How about smartguys.com or notajerk.com? I'd be all about a dating service called sincerefunnygenuinemen.com.

And one for nice, smart guys. Not Mensa members but just those with even slightly above average levels of intelligience. There'd be a pop quiz about books to determine if they actually read or just say they do and read reviews instead. A hidden camera to see how they treat animals and the elderly when no one is looking.

I need a service like this, seriously. One guy on Match.com in describing the kind of pants he likes to wear called them "cackies." I am not making this up.

I may be on to something here.

Like Watching Paint Dry

My life really isn't that boring, only the boy-social part. Otherwise, I've actually been quite busy and it's great. The new book arrived from the printer last week and I've been fulfilling pre-orders, lining up signings and the like. It's been great fun and is the perfect antitode to whining and feeling sorry for myself.

Maybe someday my prince will come. I'm not holding my breath, but maybe.

As always, I'll keep you posted.