It's About Time

Today I got my watch -- my wonderful with-a-band-made-of-antique-typewriter-keys-watch -- back from Flybastard.

There simply aren't enough cuss words in the galaxy to adequately convey my thoughts.

Redux

You know all that I spewed yesterday? Yes, well last night I was B-O-R-E-D. And I would have welcomed an evening out even to meet some stranger.

Now that I think of that, it’s not necessarily true. If I did have a date with a stranger last night, I would have whined about it and dreaded it all afternoon, wishing I could just stay home and do my own thing.

That’s crazy. Yet true. Is everyone like this? You don’t have plans and that makes you unhappy then you do have plans and hey! Guess what? That makes you unhappy, too? Maybe it’s just me. Probably it’s just me.

I’m in a mood this morning. I’m in pajamas, I have my coffee, I even worked out a little this morning. All should be right with the world.

Instead I feel a vague discontent. Disgruntled, discouraged. Lots of “dis-“ words. I think it’s the routine of my life that’s getting to me. Every evening is the same, every morning is the same. It pains me to say this but I think it has much to do with going off the online dating thing. I thought I was doing SO WELL. It’s been a few weeks of not IMing and emailing every evening. Of not having a somebody to obsess and daydream about at work. I thought I was okay with this.

But it is a good thing I’m convinced. Still, though. I guess the honeymoon phase, so to speak, of my going the independent route, is over. Now it’s the tough job of staying the course. (Whoa look at all the clichés flying.)

I think I told you that I was really happy about the way the fall season was looking – quite busy. I’ve got several book signings scheduled, I’m going to a few Ole Miss football games, then there’s Halloween, dear son’s birthday in November, and before I know it, I’ll be headlong into the holidays. I hope it plays out that way. After last night I think the glaring flaw in that plan is it glosses over chunks of time when I am not somewhere signing books or busy with other events.

I’m reading “The Sportswriter” by Richard Ford, a great novel. He has this way of recognizing things that I’ve never thought about and putting them in words that makes me say, “YES! That’s right on.” He says something – and I’m paraphrasing mightily – about how – okay, actually, I can’t remember how brilliantly he said it but what I recognized was this: that as adults, days seem to glom together. Sometimes I have to remember how old I am and what time of year it is. For the greater part of my life, there were visible and present touchstones for both my age and the timeframe; back to school shopping, mid-term exams, a school day Valentine’s party, spring break.

Of course, now I have this down and see it in black and white (don’t you love writing? It’s so therapeutic!) a couple of things occur to me. One is that this may be attributable to the time of year. It’s been the same season for something like four or five months now. Dear son has been in shorts and I have been in cropped pants and short-sleeve shirts the whole time. Everything looks the same, ergo it feels rather the same as well. The other thing is that dear son begins preschool in two weeks, at which time, I’ll likely be firmly back in mind of the calendar. In other words – snap out of it.

Maybe I’m just being whiny. That’d be a shocker, wouldn’t it?

I know that this is in direct and flagrant opposition to pretty much everything I’ve ever written here, but sometimes I wonder if I really DO want a somebody. I mean, I think I do.

-------> Important note: Last night as I was drifting off to sleep I had the entire thought process that I started above. Down to word for word. I must say, it was good, too. I went over it my mind, essentially wrote it in my mind, really. But did I get up, cut on the computer, and write it? Or jot it down on paper? Noooooooooooo. The result, sadly, is that this morning it was GONE. Poof. Just gone. I’m trying to reconstruct so bear with me.

Like last night, I was a little lonely. I took dear son to meet his dad and by the time I got home it was after 8:00 and dark. I opened a bottle of wine and watched two hours of What Not to Wear. Perhaps not the most productive use of my time, but whatever. My phone didn’t ring or cheerfully buzz to alert me to text messages. Like I said, a little lonely. But this morning I must say that I’m glad to be here alone enjoying my coffee and my computer, still in my pajamas.

Maybe it’s being strong enough to weather the honestly, increasingly-not-that-often spells of loneliness and wondering if I’ll ever ever ever find anyone. Maybe that’s the secret.

I am a little stingy with my time. I don’t know that I’m still willing to keep doing the set up (via online dating usually) meeting, the stupid small talk, blah, blah, blah. Actually, I know I’m not willing to do this anymore because I’ve already canceled my subscription to eharmony.

Lately have daydreams of the our-eyes-met-across-a-crowded-bookstore variety. I’m thinking that I’ll ride shotgun and let Serendipity and her cool older brother Fate drive the car.

(Sorry, guys. Like I said, I toooootally lost my train of thought and still haven't put it all back together. It was pithy, insightful, dare I say brilliant, too.)

Well Whaddya Know

The date went quite well last night. I had a good time! NOLA guy is tres cute. And smart. Neat to talk to.

He was already at the restaurant when I got there, had made reservations, and oh, the food was good, before I forget. Anyhoo. We were there for about an hour and a half. After dinner, I went to the restroom and noticed that I had a greasy splotch on my blouse which meant at some point during the evening, some bite of food (crab cake? tilapia with lemon butter sauce?) had dropped from my fork and landed on my blouse. I wonder how long it perched there before rolling onto my skirt or the floor. Yay me.

He walked me to the car and said, "We should do this again sometime," which sounded as vague as, "I'll call you." BUT then he mentioned he could drive up my way, that next week might be busy but the following could work. I thought that sounded rather positive.

On the drive home, I gave myself a talking-to about how I would not begin obsessing over this guy although he seems as obsess-worthy as other past obsessions.

Perhaps this mindset radiated some good karma throughout the universe as this morning I had an email from NOLA guy that he had sent last night, mind you, before I even got home in which he mentioned getting together for a movie.

Nervous. Anxious. Pouty.

Tell me again why dating is fun?

I am meeting NOLA guy tonight in Jackson for dinner. Part of me is kind of dreading it. If I have a sitter an evening at home alone with a good book sounds like a slice of heaven. Of course, I always get that way when it's been a week and a half since dear son has been with his dad. And if I didn't have a date I wouldn't have a sitter so it's a moot point.

Another reason I'm almost dreading it is what if I like him AND he doesn't like me? Or vice versa? The evening is fraught, fraught, I tell you, with pitfalls.

Mainly, though, I'm dreading it because I am still half-thinking that we will have fun! And talk! And laugh! And that it will be great. Only I don't want any of those thoughts running around my head unattended. They only get my hopes up.

Or WHAT IF all of the above takes place, only he never calls again?

I wish I would just shut up. What if any of this happens? It's not the end of the world and everything happens for a reason, blah, blah, blah.

I've been busy at work so that's good then I'll remember tonight's date and get nervous all over again, something I'm sure to repeat umpteen times today.

Really, ya'll, I think this one tonight is the last online dating I'll do for a while.

Here's another thing. When I first began these online adventures waaaay back in March, when I went to meet a guy for the first time, I was excited and looking forward to it. There were certainly butterflies but I wasn't DREADING the meeting as I do as of late. Doesn't it seem like this would be awkward at first but the more I do it, the more comfortable I am? In reality, the longer I've done this the more I dread that Initial Meeting. I guess because I've done this enough to know just how truly awkward it can be. And how terrible it can be when for all intents and purposes you hit it off and there is no doubt he will call and you will see him again except that he doesn't call and you do not see him again.

I must stop. I'm depressing myself.

After my weekend, I have more to blog about that I'm eager to share. I'm working on it.

The Last Go 'Round

Tuesday evening I have a date with NOLA guy. I'd like to be all blase about it and say I thought he and I should just go ahead and meet, he can decide he doesn't like me, and we'll be done. (You internets know me better than that.)

Except I am rather looking forward to it. I enjoy talking to him on the phone; he's into movies, likes to read, adores his children. He seems smart and funny and interesting, all the usual things I like in a guy. I'm opting for a cautiously optimistic stance with this one, I think. No starry eyes, no daydreams. I've cut that shit out.

Big step ------> This morning, I canceled my eharmony membership, too. So NOLA guy is the last holdout from the online dating thing. Well, there is George who called a few nights ago; I emailed him yesterday and maybe I blew him off? I'm not sure. Haven't heard from him so I'm thinking maybe so.

Overall, online dating has been an *okay* experience. Met some cool guys, met some assholes, probably in the same ratio as if I had met them at a bar. It's not a bad venue for meeting people, especially if you're like me and live in a very small town where the hopes of meeting someone between the ages of 30 and 40, single, intelligent, and moderately good looking are just that - hopes.

I don't think anyone - least of all me - will be surprised if I go this route again. But I am taking a break. To be perfectly honest, it looks like I am well and truly will be BUSY this fall so maybe I won't miss not having dates, emails, and funny text messages.

I'm going to keep telling myself that.

Tonight dear son and I are off to visit my Brother the Prince and his family. Wish us well. Wish me well, rather, as I will be confined to a car with a four year old for six hours over two days. Not. Good.

I've yet another epiphany about men and women and the relationships between them. Or the games they play to be more accurate. There is nothing new under the sun BUT for me, it was a different way of looking at that made the whole thing more palatable. The thoughts are still simmering; I should post it next week.

What's Going on in Your World?

I think this shall be a numbered post because I'm too brain-dead to make these thoughts into a cohesive whole.

Sidebar: This weekend, there was some HGTV show on and I was half-listening to it while I edited the book and this guy *really* liked the word "cohesive" because he used it AT LEAST five times during the half hour show, which is a lot. I've had that ten cent word stuck in my head ever since thus its appearance in the sentence above.

Anyway.

CyberGuy - He's great, smart, and funny but there simply was no attraction. I think (I hope) he felt the same way. I emailed him and told me that while I enjoyed meeting him (because I really did) I didn't sense much chemistry and think that friendship is in the cards. He responded very nicely.

NOLA Guy - Called last night and left a voicemail. I would have LIKED to have talked to him last night but my child was being evil and would not fall asleep and was not sore afraid no matter how much I threatened him. By the time the child did fall asleep, I was too bent out of shape, and it was too late, to call any damn way. Perhaps tonight will go better.

George - Also called last night. I hadn't heard from him in a while and I was hoping actually that I'd run him off but apparently not. There is a possibility that dear son and I will visit my Brother the Prince this weekend, where we'd be pretty close to where George lives. Conceivably, the Prince and Princess and new baby Princess could watch dear son for an hour or so while I have a date with George. But. I'm not sure if I even want to do that. I think I'd probably have more fun just hanging around with them because they are way cool. I'll need to think on this one and email George, I guess. What do you think?

Watch - I may have to stab this asshole with hot forks of displeasure if I don't get my freaking watch back soon. I have no idea why he hasn't returned it. Jerk.

Random thought - Since I have severely curtailed my online dating and frolicing and whatnot, I have discovered a wonderful thing to do after dear son goes to sleep (which is usually around 9:30) - it's this thing called SLEEP. It's great!

Creativity - I don't know if it's the regular sleep or banishing thoughts of ever finding a good man or what, but I have been much more productive lately. Not that you can tell from this blog, but I have been. Really. And it's a good thing, as the book goes to the printer THIS FUCKING WEEK COME HELL OR HIGH WATER.

Not that I'm impatient or frustrated or maddened or anything. Not. At. All.

We Meet at Last

Last night I met - at long last - CyberGuy. He and I first met via eharmony waaay back in January. Yesterday I met him at a bookstore in Memphis. We chatted there for about an hour and went to a restaurant where we ate and talked for another hour or two.

His online persona definitely translated in person - he is funny and smart and interesting to talk to.

But. There was no chemistry there. Like, none. I didn't feel an iota for attraction to him.

When he drove me back to the bookstore to get my car, he just dropped me off at the car, shook my hand, and made no mention of our getting together again. I thought good - maybe he feels the same way.

This morning I had an email from him, saying he'd enjoyed hanging out with me and for me to let him know what I was thinking. How do I respond to this?

I can't say any of the normal blow-off stuff like, I've decided I don't want a relationship right now, blah, blah, blah because he KNOWS better than that. Any thoughts?

In other news, dear son's father told me Friday that dear son is going to be a brother. The ex's girlfriend is expecting and they're getting married.

Date Night

Tomorrow is indeed date night.

I am, at long last, meeting CyberGuy. He and I have been emailing and talking on the phone since JANUARY, people. For those longtime readers of this blog, you know that he had a fairly major surgery and several-week recovery in February. As one might expect, we didn't talk much for a month or so along that time. We got back in touch in March and hey, it only took him until last week to ask me out.

We're meeting late tomorrow afternoon at a bookstore in Memphis. If we can stand each other we're going on to dinner at an Italian restaurant.

I am anxious beyond reason about this particular meeting. I half wish he'd never suggested we meet. That way, we could just continue to email forever and always be there for each other with cheerful thoughts, intelligent discourse on news of the day, flirty comments, and book and movie recommendations. When you think about it, what's so wrong with that? Why shouldn't that be enough?

But we're committed to taking this to the next level. It's going to be such a disappointment after this friendship we've made if we don't like each other. That would just SUCK. He's convinced it won't be a problem. I'm not so sure.

Maybe I'm a little gun shy given recent events. Either way, I will be glad when the date will be behind me so I can stop stressing over what it *might* be like. When it's over, then it will be done. I can drive home and drink a glass of wine, toasting what a wonderful evening it was or I can drive home and drink a glass of wine, cussing him and myself for either one of us thinking that meeting was a good idea.

Note to self: pick up TWO bottles of wine on the way home today.

Dating, Interrupted

Last weekend, dear friend Laura and her daughter came to visit. Saturday we felt brave and we ventured forth to a nearby town to try our hand at some casual shopping with the two kiddos in tow. Laura’s daughter is self possessed, poised, and rarely whiny. She is the opposite of loud. Dear son, however, is um, well, more high maintenance, shall we say. I mean, he’s adorable and charming and my heart and all that, but, well, expeditions with him tend to be adventures (you all remember The Great Zoo Event in May, right?).

It was a busy morning and afternoon. After we returned home, moved some furniture, watched some E!, I picked up my cell phone and realized that I had not thought of any boys all day long. Seriously. I hadn’t thought about CyberGuy, who I have a date with Saturday (another post on that soon), or Flybastard or Nola Guy or the guy from Nashville (let’s call him George because he seems as earnest and sweet as a George Strait song. Plus he rides horses and all so it fits). It was rather a revelation. Any of you who know me well enough to be reading this blog must know how unusual that behavior is for me, right?

I have turned down a date for this weekend with George, who seems really sweet but…I don’t know. I have also turned down dinner invitations for this weekend or next from two other guys. Actually, I don’t know that I so much turned them down as I made vague, lame excuses for being busy over the next couple of weeks but that hasn’t seemed to deter either, you know, because of the whole men as pursuers/women as prey thing.

This seems like a good thing, right? All these guys interested in me? Not really. Because all I’ll have to do is meet them and then they won’t be interested anymore. Okay, that’s not exactly true. All I have to do is meet them AND act interested in them. That will run ‘em off like nobody’s business.

The thing is…see, for the last few days I’ve been feeling almost, well, resentful of the time these guys are demanding. George called Sunday night and I just plain didn’t feel like talking so I didn’t answer the phone. Another guy emailed yesterday, wanting to know if he had done something that made me angry or upset with him (sigh) which was not, in fact, the case. Then I felt obligated, after he kindly asked, to be online last night so we could instant message. Really, though, I just wanted to be in bed with my book and get a good night’s rest.

Then again, I needed (okay, wanted) to call Nola guy. Now he, I must say, I find intriguing. I actually would like to meet him. Oddly enough, as I was thinking that I would like to call him if I wasn’t so sleepy, I checked my email and had a message from him.

But I digress. This new attitude is foreign and strange and quite welcome. Of course, it may or may not last; how many times have you heard me say that I was sick of the whole dating thing and that this is absolutely THE LAST TIME?

Being a Singleton Sucks Except When It Doesn’t

After getting home from work yesterday, I realized there was a problem with the air conditioner in dear son’s room. Generally his is the coolest room in the house. Yesterday, not so much. It was downright warm in there. I adjusted a dial or two, turned off the A/C, and attempted to turn it back on. Only the knob just spun around, without any noticeable affect on the A/C.

I cussed for a minute then just took the whole stupid knob off. From there I ascertained, because I’m pretty smart, that the casing inside the knob was broken thus the knob wasn’t turning anything, which meant the machine had probably been on the fan setting all day and that’s why it was warm. I also deduced that if I had a pair of needle-nosed pliers, I could use them to turn the thingey that the knob attaches to and turn the A/C on and off.

But we have no such pliers. I have two screwdrivers, a hammer, a Dad with a drill, and that’s the extent of my handy tools. Oh, good grief. This meant a trip to the heart of darkness, aka Wal Mart. I felt so…I can’t even call the word…frustrated, irritated, and pouty. This is one of those times when having a somebody would be so darn nice. Then he could procure said pliers for me if he really loved me. Or hey, stay home with dear son while I went. But no. In this instance, as in many others, I was ALL ALONE and ON MY OWN.

So fine. I told dear son that we had to go to Wal Mart because Mommy had a to get something to fix his air conditioner.

He looked puzzled. “YOU’RE going to fix the air shonditioner?” He sounded rather skeptical. He is used to his dad fixing everything because his dad, well, can fix almost anything.

I drew myself up and said, “Oh, yes, indeed. Mommy will fix your air conditioner.”

Off we went to Wal Mart. The trip was uneventful. Dear son ran into one of his female classmates from school. He’s such a flirt; they chatted for a bit as four year olds are wont to do. When I nudged him along, he was all, “I’ll holla at you tomorrow at school.”

We got the pliers and returned home. Within seconds, people, I had that thing fixed (and by fixed, I mean I was able to turn it on; but whatever, cool air was spilling forth from it when it hadn’t been before and that’s fixed in my book). I pumped my arms in the air Rocky-style and said, “YES. I fixed it!”

It was pretty cool, really. I went from being all whiny because I didn’t have a big strong man to take care of something that, really, was quite simple (I’m just lazy and hate errands of the last-minute-run-to-the-store-kind) to feeling all empowered (can’t believe I just used that word) because by golly I had fixed the damn thing myself.

Dear son was very impressed.

What Can I Say?

I haven't updated lately because I haven't *had* any updates really.

Lessee. Well, CyberGuy and I are still emailing regularly and we have tentative plans to get together next weekend. NOLA guy and I talked on the phone Monday evening; I'm liking him more and more. He is into movies, which I love, and he wants to meet me, which is also cool.

Dear son has been gone since Wednesday and will be back home tomorrow. That is EIGHT DAYS, the longest I've been away from him and I'm ready to see him. I talked to him on the phone Monday and he seems to be having a great time.

Speaking of dear son, I had a surreal conversation with his father last week. We were on the phone, firming up plans to exchange the child for their vacation. He told me that I sounded down. I told him that I was sick of dating. That dating, in fact, sucks and I might hate it. I hit the highlights on what all has gone on over the past several months. He said - and sounded quite sincere - that he was sorry to hear all that and hoped things would turn around for me soon. Nice but again, a rather strange conversation to have with an ex. Guess we both must be very mature and well adjusted, no?

I watched a few good movies this weekend - Broken Flowers, Heights, I 'heart' Huckabees. YA'LL. The Libertine is out this week and I definitely want to see that. Johnny Depp, John Malcovich...

If you're in the market for some good smut reading, let me recommend 'Lying in Bed' and 'Lip Service,' both by M.J.Rose.

Yes, I've had too much time on my hands. Shut up. It does not make me pathetic.