Southern & Newly Single

Which Brings Me To You

2007-07-30T15:16:00.001-06:00

For whatever reason - and they are many and varied - it would seem that in a couple of weeks I'm getting together with Flybastard. It's not a date, per se. We enjoy each other and are going to indulge ourselves. This means no emotional tie-ups, no stupid probing questions (that would be from me), just no. Fun.

If I can do this thing here and not get all wrapped up, I'm going to be super proud of myself. And it will, so there.

I would hope after the disappearing act he did last year and ensuing debacle over my watch (don't get me started) I wouldn't be silly enough to go there again.

You know? I am looking forward to seeing him, to hanging out with him and yet not getting all vested in something that's not there. Just...having fun. If I was being completely honest with myself, I'd admit that actually - that sounds just right.

I arrived at this whole thought process over the weekend, which may or may not have had anything to do with this:

The Fridge 'O Beer
The most beer my fridge has ever seen. It didn't quite know what to think.

The Auxilliary Cooler
Don't let the innocent bottles of water on top fool you; they were there strictly for hydration purposes only.

Yeah, it was a pretty good weekend, actually.

Back in the Saddle Again (?)

2007-07-12T14:45:00.000-06:00

I’m surprised to find myself here again but I may actually be entering the dating fray again. Naturally, I had to let you all know and get you to weigh in.

The cast of characters:

Coach – This guy lives in my town and I think is a couple of years younger than me. Divorced. He has these brown puppy dog eyes you could just drown in. Cute, cute, cute. And a good person as exhibited by his community involvement.

The drawback is that he’s shy. I’ve always equated shyness with lack of self confidence. But maybe I’m wrong about that. Friends have pointed out that one doesn’t necessarily mean the other. I learned a few weeks ago that he asked for my phone number. As of yet, he hasn’t called. I will likely see him briefly this weekend. I’m wondering just how bold I can be about suggesting we grab a bite to eat or something. Then again, I wonder what on earth we’d talk about if he’s that shy.

The Phantom – This guy was recommended by two friends in town. He’s single, never married, in his 40s. He lived in England for a time, is into classic cars, and is intelligent. The people I’ve mentioned him to are crazy about him. He’s good friends with my good friend, R. She used to see him around town pretty regularly but since she and I first talked about him, she hasn’t seen him anywhere. Typical! She has been trying to come up with a way we could just meet, like she could have a get together. She said it’d be just our luck he’d happen to be out of town that wkend and there we’d be.

Last night I talked to her and said why didn’t she just tell him the next time she sees him that she has someone she’d like him to meet and go from there. I hate that I’m already projecting this much onto somebody but she told me he looks a lot like Aiden on Sex in the City! Oh my goh! I’ve loved Jon Corbett since he was on Northern Exposure. He sounds like a great guy and I’ve already daydreamed and Hollywood –scripted how a date with him could go, which is precisely how I set myself up for the big falls.

Weird Al – He contacted me after reading a column I wrote for a local publication. He seems nice, professional, educated, intelligent but man alive is he coming on strong. I politely responded to his first email telling him I didn’t know that I really had time for an involvement right now but could always use more friends. From that, he emailed back, asked me out for the next night (tonight) and said he’d ordered a book for from Amazon for me. And there’s more, much more weirdness.

Either this guy is absolutely great or is really creepy. I can’t decide which. He’s certainly eager. He’s suggested we get together for lunch next week. I’ve checked out the particulars of stuff he’s mentioned and it all checks out. Everything he’s said is true and people who know him from the community where he lives assures me he’s perfectly safe. He does well financially and travels a lot. Oh and also? He’s had a lot of plastic surgery. Which he told me about in the first email. I haven’t seen a picture of him but he said he’d rate himself a 5 on a scale of 1 to 10. He’s an avid church member, which I like, but um, he also says he doesn’t believe in sex outside of marriage. Hm. Does this mean he’s a 47 year old virgin? Seriously.

Neighbor – Wow. I saw this guy, who lives across the street, working in his yard a few weeks ago with his two children and thought then that he is super cute. My friend R. is also friends with him and went on and on about how very nice he is, although he has a girlfriend. Two weeks ago I saw him and made a point to introduce myself, just being neighborly and all. And again, Wow. He is every bit as nice as R. said. Tall, nice looking. Did I mention nice? Personable, too. He seemed like somebody I’d love to kick back with over a beer or two, like he’d be somebody a lot of fun to hang out with.

When we met, we agreed we’d get our kids together the next time our wkends coordinated. He also told me not to be a stranger, than anytime I saw folks at his house cooking out and gathered to come on over. I do hope I hear from him. In the interim R. thinks he and his girlfriend have broken up or aren’t that serious. Honestly, I’d like to have him as a friend, if nothing else.

Nick – He comes highly recommended from a good friend. He lives out of town, about an hour and a half away. I talked to him on the phone right after Christmas. We stayed on the phone for over two hours, talking about books and movies and religion and everything. I enjoyed the conversation. He called me the next week and maybe the week after that. For some reason, and I truly don’t know why, I never returned the phone calls. I know, I know. That’s bad behavior that if somebody did to me would get them labeled a player or jerk. I called him last night and left him a voice mail. One little thing (no pun intended) is he mentioned that time on the phone that he’s 5’9”. I hate to be like this, but I do like tall. Being shallow is so unattractive.

It was brought to my attention that perhaps I’m being a wee bit picky. And if I’m going to be so damn picky, I can’t be whiny about the fact that I haven’t had a date in over A YEAR. Point taken.

With that in mind, I’m trying to keep an open mind, even about Weird Al, although I really don’t know what to make of all that.

Remember The Farmer? For some reason, I’m remembering him fondly, wondering what exactly it was that was so offputting about him. He was nice, older (which I like), smart, well read, and clearly interested. What was so wrong with him? (See above, being picky)

I guess I feel like with the ex and the guy before him, I settled. I don’t want to do that again. Or rather, I won’t do that again. There are worse things than being alone. After a year of peaks and troughs with the online dating, I went cold turkey – no dating, online or otherwise. No crushes since Brad Pitt and Clark Gable don’t count.

I got it fixed in my head – the not settling – and maybe I set the standards too high. Maybe I’m not giving these guys a chance who may, if nothing else, turn out to be cool guys I may could be friends with. It could happen, right?

This is my pattern, one I’ve fairly well broken in other areas of my life, and it’s a pattern of all or nothing. Either I’m a dating fiend, boy crazy all the time or it’s completely off. No in between. Which is crazy. And not so much working.

This is a different tactic. A step, perhaps tentative, into a world with a social life, while remaining on track with the other important projects in my life.

That’s it for now. Updates to come when something newsworthy happens.

Another Reason to Avoid TV

2007-05-16T15:15:00.000-06:00

I won’t get into my spiel about how I’m alone and not dating but IT’S OKAY, because really, if it was okay, would I have to say it’s okay? I think not.

What’s hard is the things that catch you off guard, the ones you don’t see coming.

Like during the holidays or around my birthday I may expect a certain amount of loneliness, forelorneness, to feel a tad desolate at time but simply enjoying life one Saturday afternoon and out of the blue…

And it’s a commercial for crying out loud. For bread. Nature’s Own. It’s this song, a duet by singers whose voices are so clear and pure it makes me think of a mountain stream that John Denver might have sung about.

Judging by the woman’s voice, I’d guess she is attractive with shiny, healthy hair, the kind of person who makes her own granola, so that you kind of want to hate her for that but you can’t because you like her so much.

And the guy. He has salt and pepper hair, soft, genial lines on his face from smiling and listening earning while nodding slightly. He wears jeans a lot and appreciates good conversation the way others do fine art.

The lyrics on the commercial, which is an actual song and everything:

I don’t love you much do I
just more than all the stars in the sky
I don’t love you much do I
I think you hung the moon and that’s alright
See how it sparkles in my eyes
I couldn’t hide it if I tried- that’s right
I don’t love you much do I
just more than anything else in this whole world

Here is proof positive that I am kinda sad. Should a bread commercial really evoke this level of feeling?

What Guys Think Women Like

2007-05-01T15:18:00.000-06:00

Flashy sportscars. Unless we’re 16 and you’re a pedophile? Then no. Any man, no matter how wealthy he is, who drives a red Ferrari/Corvette/Porsche is clearly compensating for something. It may be, um, things of a physical nature, or the lack thereof. It may be things of an emotional nature; this guy refuses to get close and have an actual relationship but hey! He has a Ferrari/Corvette/Porsche. Which he thinks will be good enough, which is why he’s wrong.

He could also be having the inevitable mid life crisis, in which case, we women are grateful that he is so clichéd and unoriginal. The red Ferrari/Corvette/Porsche states as clearly as a tattoo on his forehead that he is indulgent, self-absorbed, possibly whiny and not anyone to get involved with.

Being laid back. Back in the day, when I used to do the online dating thing, this was inevitably something men would say to describe themselves. Sometimes it was the only thing in the way of description, “I’m laid back and easy going. If you’re looking for mind games, look somewhere else. I enjoy spending time outdoors, walking in the rain, and cuddling on the couch.” Barf.

What does laid back mean, anyway? Everyone thinks they’re laid back and easy going. If that was actually true, there’d be no such thing as Valium. It’s a meaningless phrase that’s more than likely untrue and worse than that, it’s lazy thinking. I don’t know if there are legions of men who’ve been told, “You’re just too uptight!” just before a glass of wine is tossed in their face as their girlfriend flounces from the restaurant, but I don’t see where being laid back is all that great of an asset. I’d much prefer ambitious, loves to laugh, reads a lot and not just the sports pages and Maxim and don’t say the cereal box, trying to be funny – it ain’t, and enjoys good conversation. See that? Infinitely more appealing than drivel about being laid back and easy going. Get over yourself. Try this: actually think.

Red roses. Apparently somewhere in the manly manual it says that red roses right all wrongs. Right…just like saying, “You’re beautiful when you’re angry,” gets a guy all the ass he can stand. I know that’s how it always was on The Love Boat. But in real life red roses are such a lazy choice that I’d just as soon have my favorite chips and candy bar. I think more thought would go into that than buying a stupid bouquet of red roses with the baby’s breath. Or actually, a gift card to Target would be better than that.

Little hint, guys: Women will tell you the flowers they like. If you even half listen part of the time, you should pick this up. Just listen. Then make a mental note to get those flowers in that color for her birthday/your wedding anniversary/Valentine’s and you are assured to score – and a BJ is entirely possible - each time.

When I was getting married, I desperately wanted a bouquet of tulips for my wedding. I said this. Out loud. Several times. I cut out pictures depicting the bouquet and the ribbon I wanted. The person who was doing the flowers may or may not have been closely related to the groom. My bouquet was…roses! And in no way resembled – at all – what I wanted. I cried on my wedding day and my soon to be husband thought I was being ridiculous and took the other person’s side, the person who did the flowers who may or may not have been closely related to the groom.

During the honeymoon, every time I thought of those flowers, tears welled up, although I said not one more word about them. But I did mention anytime I could possibly work it into conversation, that, “Gee, do I love tulips!” Don’t you think that, oh, I don’t know, getting me a bouquet, or crap, a potted plant of tulips for an anniversary gift would have been appropriate? Do you think this ever happened? Are you surprised we’re divorced?

WTF was I talking about anyway?

Look Who's Here!

2007-01-10T10:08:00.000-06:00

(Cough) Whoa. Lots of dust and cobwebs here.

So after a long hiatus, I’m back. Kinda. Not that I have any news on the dating front to report, but I do have some observations on single life in general.

And if I did have any news on the dating front, I’m not sure I’d share it here. I’m still not altogether certain that FlyBastard didn’t happen upon this blog. (If you’re reading this, Hi, John. Asshole.)

First of all. The movie “The Lakehouse.” Did you see it? It was nine kinds of awful, the lamest shit ever, with the possible exception of “The Breakup,” which was THE lamest shit ever.

Secondly, the holidays were harder than I thought they would be, both logistically and emotionally. Doing all the holidaying that I do on my own was a. Lot. Of. Work. Which I knew going in, but that’s me; I take on more than I should and then am all martyrlike about it. Then there was the nobody to snuggle in front of the tree with, no fun shopping trip with a nice dinner to top it off, no rehashing of the extended family gathering with a boyfriend. So there was that. I wasn’t sorry to see December 26th arrive.

(It’s funny – I wrote the above yesterday afternoon. The timing of that will matter in just a minute.)

Lastly, I may have a new crush. Last night I met this guy who is a writer and way cute. I didn’t get an interested vibe from him - at all - but still. It’s fun to have a little crush. It does seem serendipitious (wait, actually the movie "Serendipity" is the worst movie in romantic comedy history) that I thought to resurrect this blog on the very day that I meet a crush, my first one in ages.

There was another guy last night who I’d met before and he is also a writer who has self published. He and I chatted a bit. He teaches art and seems to be a very different, creative type, who may take himself just a wee bit too seriously. Not bad looking just not my type. My type being people who I find really attractive. If my life were a John Hughes film, the flashy good looking guy (see the writer guy in the previous paragraph) is the one I’d be all crushed out on (Jake Ryan or Blaine) but the quiet, buddy-guy who I’d ignore and take for granted is who I should ultimately end up with (Ducky). Did you all get those 80 movies references?

Can I Get a Patent on That?

2006-09-19T14:08:00.000-06:00

Yesterday afternoon driving home, I heard a commercial on the radio for www.wealthymen.com This is not a joke. It is an honest to goodness online dating web site that apparently screens the men to make sure they are indeed wealthy. Maybe it screens the women, too. I'm not exactly sure how it works. I didn't look at the site too long as I was at work and it looked like it could be a site for high-priced call girls. It seems like the women browsing the site would have to be screened, no? Otherwise, why not just call it golddiggers.com or lookingforasugardaddy.com?

When you think of it, it's not a bad idea. A web site for wealthy men, I mean. It's understandable that men of a certain socio-economic status would want dates from the same type of background.

It's not a bad concept. How about smartguys.com or notajerk.com? I'd be all about a dating service called sincerefunnygenuinemen.com.

And one for nice, smart guys. Not Mensa members but just those with even slightly above average levels of intelligience. There'd be a pop quiz about books to determine if they actually read or just say they do and read reviews instead. A hidden camera to see how they treat animals and the elderly when no one is looking.

I need a service like this, seriously. One guy on Match.com in describing the kind of pants he likes to wear called them "cackies." I am not making this up.

I may be on to something here.

Like Watching Paint Dry

2006-09-12T08:33:00.000-06:00

My life really isn't that boring, only the boy-social part. Otherwise, I've actually been quite busy and it's great. The new book arrived from the printer last week and I've been fulfilling pre-orders, lining up signings and the like. It's been great fun and is the perfect antitode to whining and feeling sorry for myself.

Maybe someday my prince will come. I'm not holding my breath, but maybe.

As always, I'll keep you posted.

Big Plans

2006-09-08T08:46:00.000-06:00

Tonight I am attending a writer's salon at the home of a certain very A-list actor. I am a bundle of nerves, although I foresee my dining out on this story for ages.

Yesterday it occured to me that had Flybastard stuck around then possibly I would have invited him to attend the party at the home of a certain very A-list actor. But oh, well. He may be doing something fabulous tonight but I know what he won't be doing. And that's attending a party at the home of a certain very A-list actor. Just saying.

I'm Brain Dead

2006-09-05T15:00:00.000-06:00

Last night I dreamed this guy was my boyfriend. Only he was sleeping with this girl I know from my hometown.

If I'm going to dream about having a random celebrity boyfriend, why can't it be this guy? And how much does it suck that even in my dreams, literally, the guy I'm dationg is still a jerk??

You Do the Math

2006-08-24T10:01:00.000-06:00

A couple of weeks ago, my mother suggested I consider joining a singles group at a local church. Because I had been whining about being so bored and having no life., etc, she was doing what moms do - try to make it better.

However, I told her that, incredibly, I don't think the problem is that I am wanting to date somebody. Or am sad that I'm not. No, really. I'm bored with my job at work and I kinda suck at it, too, which is not good. And the book I've been working on for something like a year and a half is at the printer and I'm ready for it to be here and in the interim I'm eaten up with anxiety and boredom in pretty much equal parts.

One thing her suggestion did make me think about thougth was this: Since last fall I have been on any number of dates. At one time I went so far as to call myself a "dating phenom," which totally came back to bite me in the ass, as boasting is wont to do. For close to a year now, all but ONE of the dates I've had have been a result of online dating. Seriously. There has been only one real live person around here who saw me and simply had to ask me out.

This is how I'm at least relatively sure I'll be back on eharmony by winter.

Perhaps There Is Such a Thing as Too Much Introspection

2006-08-23T09:28:00.000-06:00

You know what I am now? Grownup enough to delay gratification. So throw me a freaking party.

Anytime anyone says, “You have to play the game,” or “Don’t let them know how interested you are,” I tune out and shut down. At the first sign of this well-meaning advice, I go deaf. Because I stubbornly cling to the idea of just not having found that right person yet, that I’m not going to “settle,” that instead I’ll wait and be alone until I find that right guy and can truly be myself.

Yeah, right.

The reality is I’ve probably cheated myself out of any number of relationships by being too eager, too transparent, too willing to drop or change plans in order to see a guy, or worse, make no plans in hopes that I’ll be seeing the guy.

If I had played it a little smarter, shown a little bit of restraint – delayed my gratification, in other words – maybe I’d still be in one of those relationships.

The flip side to that is, Do I want a relationship in which I have to constantly monitor myself, judiciously doling out compliments and phone calls so as not to appear too eager?

Um, no, but the choice is between that and nothing or going it my way, which inevitably leads to getting hurt.

Seems that to have a relationship, to sustain it, is to not ever really let go and have that fast-down-a-roller-coaster feeling that you get only in those giddy early days of a relationship when you really like him and he really likes you. Or maybe that’s an ABC After School Special I’m thinking of and not real life.

Sometimes being a grownup just sucks. All these grownup rules are proven and unfortunately they work. It makes me feel sad and want to mourn for the time before I knew better.

But fine. I’ll know better next time – ever there is a next time (pardon my melodrama).

What I feel most right now is resignation – a dull grayness, not even bright red anger. Just blahiness.

Depths of the Doldrums

2006-08-16T14:04:00.000-06:00

I hate this. I am anxious, lonely, out of sorts, and feel a general malaise. It is no fun and I want it to stop. Be grateful that I'm not spewing forth all my whininess.

A post is brewing. And it's one that is not just self-absorbed and pouty.

Consider Yourself Lucky

2006-08-14T09:12:00.000-06:00

You may think that I have been so busy living a life of debauchery that I have had no time to post. That I'm living in a whirlwind of multi-colored confetti-like fun, dates here and parties there and the like.

Not so much.

Instead, I am likely officially the most boring person you know. So I'll spare you the minutia of what's going on in my life, except to say this: There is nothing that involves a date or dating going on in my life or anything anywhere near that realm.

Should something change, you'll be the first to know.

Ooooh, Yeah

2006-08-09T15:41:00.000-06:00

I'm a Lamborghini Murcielago!

You're not subtle, but you don't want to be. Fast, loud, and dramatic, you want people to notice you, and then get out of the way. In a world full of sheep, you're a raging bull.

Take the Which'>http://www.tomorrowland.us/sportscar">Which Sports Car Are You? quiz.

This Can't Be Good

2006-08-09T09:59:00.000-06:00

Last night I dreamed that I actually met a guy! And that he was a better writer than I am.

We were at some seminar about writing and I kept talking to him while he was apparently trying to actually listen to the speaker and he shushed me.

Not sure what this may mean, but I'm thinking the short version is that I have issues.

I'll Meet You at Picasso's

2006-08-04T14:29:00.000-06:00

I started this post a couple of weeks ago, visiting my Brother the Prince and his family. I was sitting on the floor in the children’s section of a Books-a-Million, while dear son played with a train or somesuch. I jotted that I was blogging the “old-fashioned way.” Aren’t I funny.

Before visiting the bookstore, my brother, sister in law, dear son, and I had lunch at this cool restaurant called Picasso’s (one day, dear readers, I’ll learn how to hyperlink. Until then … www.picassopizzeria.com). They served wood-fired pizzas and scrumpdillyicious breadsticks with several yummy dipping sauces.

And ya’ll. The waiter? He was totally checking me out. He was cute, too, in that brooding/suffering artist kind of way, you know? (Do you ever do this, make up a complete story for someone you happen to see randomly, like while you’re people-watching? I do that all the time. I give them irritating brothers in law and neighbors who they envy and an irrational fear or two and a food allergy. I decorate their homes and figure out what they drive. It’s great fun.) For this guy, I imagined that he was a tortured creative sort who probably sculpted in the evenings. He waited tables to keep him in clay and whatnot. On breaks he smoked French cigarettes and read literary magazines.

Our now erudite (to me, anyway) waiter made eye contact several times and when he brought the check, he glanced at me again, saying that he hoped to see us in there again soon.

Okay, big woo, right? Except it reminded me that this is how strangers meet in the real world without benefit of a computer keyboard.

More to Come

2006-08-03T17:15:00.000-06:00

I have not forgotten you. And I do have some blog-worthy topics which I hope to do tomorrow. Seriously.

It's About Time

2006-07-31T19:24:00.000-06:00

Today I got my watch -- my wonderful with-a-band-made-of-antique-typewriter-keys-watch -- back from Flybastard.

There simply aren't enough cuss words in the galaxy to adequately convey my thoughts.

Redux

2006-07-30T12:13:00.000-06:00

You know all that I spewed yesterday? Yes, well last night I was B-O-R-E-D. And I would have welcomed an evening out even to meet some stranger.

Now that I think of that, it’s not necessarily true. If I did have a date with a stranger last night, I would have whined about it and dreaded it all afternoon, wishing I could just stay home and do my own thing.

That’s crazy. Yet true. Is everyone like this? You don’t have plans and that makes you unhappy then you do have plans and hey! Guess what? That makes you unhappy, too? Maybe it’s just me. Probably it’s just me.

I’m in a mood this morning. I’m in pajamas, I have my coffee, I even worked out a little this morning. All should be right with the world.

Instead I feel a vague discontent. Disgruntled, discouraged. Lots of “dis-“ words. I think it’s the routine of my life that’s getting to me. Every evening is the same, every morning is the same. It pains me to say this but I think it has much to do with going off the online dating thing. I thought I was doing SO WELL. It’s been a few weeks of not IMing and emailing every evening. Of not having a somebody to obsess and daydream about at work. I thought I was okay with this.

But it is a good thing I’m convinced. Still, though. I guess the honeymoon phase, so to speak, of my going the independent route, is over. Now it’s the tough job of staying the course. (Whoa look at all the clichés flying.)

I think I told you that I was really happy about the way the fall season was looking – quite busy. I’ve got several book signings scheduled, I’m going to a few Ole Miss football games, then there’s Halloween, dear son’s birthday in November, and before I know it, I’ll be headlong into the holidays. I hope it plays out that way. After last night I think the glaring flaw in that plan is it glosses over chunks of time when I am not somewhere signing books or busy with other events.

I’m reading “The Sportswriter” by Richard Ford, a great novel. He has this way of recognizing things that I’ve never thought about and putting them in words that makes me say, “YES! That’s right on.” He says something – and I’m paraphrasing mightily – about how – okay, actually, I can’t remember how brilliantly he said it but what I recognized was this: that as adults, days seem to glom together. Sometimes I have to remember how old I am and what time of year it is. For the greater part of my life, there were visible and present touchstones for both my age and the timeframe; back to school shopping, mid-term exams, a school day Valentine’s party, spring break.

Of course, now I have this down and see it in black and white (don’t you love writing? It’s so therapeutic!) a couple of things occur to me. One is that this may be attributable to the time of year. It’s been the same season for something like four or five months now. Dear son has been in shorts and I have been in cropped pants and short-sleeve shirts the whole time. Everything looks the same, ergo it feels rather the same as well. The other thing is that dear son begins preschool in two weeks, at which time, I’ll likely be firmly back in mind of the calendar. In other words – snap out of it.

Maybe I’m just being whiny. That’d be a shocker, wouldn’t it?

2006-07-29T16:29:00.000-06:00

I know that this is in direct and flagrant opposition to pretty much everything I’ve ever written here, but sometimes I wonder if I really DO want a somebody. I mean, I think I do.

-------> Important note: Last night as I was drifting off to sleep I had the entire thought process that I started above. Down to word for word. I must say, it was good, too. I went over it my mind, essentially wrote it in my mind, really. But did I get up, cut on the computer, and write it? Or jot it down on paper? Noooooooooooo. The result, sadly, is that this morning it was GONE. Poof. Just gone. I’m trying to reconstruct so bear with me.

Like last night, I was a little lonely. I took dear son to meet his dad and by the time I got home it was after 8:00 and dark. I opened a bottle of wine and watched two hours of What Not to Wear. Perhaps not the most productive use of my time, but whatever. My phone didn’t ring or cheerfully buzz to alert me to text messages. Like I said, a little lonely. But this morning I must say that I’m glad to be here alone enjoying my coffee and my computer, still in my pajamas.

Maybe it’s being strong enough to weather the honestly, increasingly-not-that-often spells of loneliness and wondering if I’ll ever ever ever find anyone. Maybe that’s the secret.

I am a little stingy with my time. I don’t know that I’m still willing to keep doing the set up (via online dating usually) meeting, the stupid small talk, blah, blah, blah. Actually, I know I’m not willing to do this anymore because I’ve already canceled my subscription to eharmony.

Lately have daydreams of the our-eyes-met-across-a-crowded-bookstore variety. I’m thinking that I’ll ride shotgun and let Serendipity and her cool older brother Fate drive the car.

(Sorry, guys. Like I said, I toooootally lost my train of thought and still haven't put it all back together. It was pithy, insightful, dare I say brilliant, too.)

Well Whaddya Know

2006-07-26T08:29:00.000-06:00

The date went quite well last night. I had a good time! NOLA guy is tres cute. And smart. Neat to talk to.

He was already at the restaurant when I got there, had made reservations, and oh, the food was good, before I forget. Anyhoo. We were there for about an hour and a half. After dinner, I went to the restroom and noticed that I had a greasy splotch on my blouse which meant at some point during the evening, some bite of food (crab cake? tilapia with lemon butter sauce?) had dropped from my fork and landed on my blouse. I wonder how long it perched there before rolling onto my skirt or the floor. Yay me.

He walked me to the car and said, "We should do this again sometime," which sounded as vague as, "I'll call you." BUT then he mentioned he could drive up my way, that next week might be busy but the following could work. I thought that sounded rather positive.

On the drive home, I gave myself a talking-to about how I would not begin obsessing over this guy although he seems as obsess-worthy as other past obsessions.

Perhaps this mindset radiated some good karma throughout the universe as this morning I had an email from NOLA guy that he had sent last night, mind you, before I even got home in which he mentioned getting together for a movie.

Nervous. Anxious. Pouty.

2006-07-25T09:33:00.000-06:00

Tell me again why dating is fun?

I am meeting NOLA guy tonight in Jackson for dinner. Part of me is kind of dreading it. If I have a sitter an evening at home alone with a good book sounds like a slice of heaven. Of course, I always get that way when it's been a week and a half since dear son has been with his dad. And if I didn't have a date I wouldn't have a sitter so it's a moot point.

Another reason I'm almost dreading it is what if I like him AND he doesn't like me? Or vice versa? The evening is fraught, fraught, I tell you, with pitfalls.

Mainly, though, I'm dreading it because I am still half-thinking that we will have fun! And talk! And laugh! And that it will be great. Only I don't want any of those thoughts running around my head unattended. They only get my hopes up.

Or WHAT IF all of the above takes place, only he never calls again?

I wish I would just shut up. What if any of this happens? It's not the end of the world and everything happens for a reason, blah, blah, blah.

I've been busy at work so that's good then I'll remember tonight's date and get nervous all over again, something I'm sure to repeat umpteen times today.

Really, ya'll, I think this one tonight is the last online dating I'll do for a while.

Here's another thing. When I first began these online adventures waaaay back in March, when I went to meet a guy for the first time, I was excited and looking forward to it. There were certainly butterflies but I wasn't DREADING the meeting as I do as of late. Doesn't it seem like this would be awkward at first but the more I do it, the more comfortable I am? In reality, the longer I've done this the more I dread that Initial Meeting. I guess because I've done this enough to know just how truly awkward it can be. And how terrible it can be when for all intents and purposes you hit it off and there is no doubt he will call and you will see him again except that he doesn't call and you do not see him again.

I must stop. I'm depressing myself.

After my weekend, I have more to blog about that I'm eager to share. I'm working on it.

The Last Go 'Round

2006-07-21T08:48:00.000-06:00

Tuesday evening I have a date with NOLA guy. I'd like to be all blase about it and say I thought he and I should just go ahead and meet, he can decide he doesn't like me, and we'll be done. (You internets know me better than that.)

Except I am rather looking forward to it. I enjoy talking to him on the phone; he's into movies, likes to read, adores his children. He seems smart and funny and interesting, all the usual things I like in a guy. I'm opting for a cautiously optimistic stance with this one, I think. No starry eyes, no daydreams. I've cut that shit out.

Big step ------> This morning, I canceled my eharmony membership, too. So NOLA guy is the last holdout from the online dating thing. Well, there is George who called a few nights ago; I emailed him yesterday and maybe I blew him off? I'm not sure. Haven't heard from him so I'm thinking maybe so.

Overall, online dating has been an *okay* experience. Met some cool guys, met some assholes, probably in the same ratio as if I had met them at a bar. It's not a bad venue for meeting people, especially if you're like me and live in a very small town where the hopes of meeting someone between the ages of 30 and 40, single, intelligent, and moderately good looking are just that - hopes.

I don't think anyone - least of all me - will be surprised if I go this route again. But I am taking a break. To be perfectly honest, it looks like I am well and truly will be BUSY this fall so maybe I won't miss not having dates, emails, and funny text messages.

I'm going to keep telling myself that.

Tonight dear son and I are off to visit my Brother the Prince and his family. Wish us well. Wish me well, rather, as I will be confined to a car with a four year old for six hours over two days. Not. Good.

I've yet another epiphany about men and women and the relationships between them. Or the games they play to be more accurate. There is nothing new under the sun BUT for me, it was a different way of looking at that made the whole thing more palatable. The thoughts are still simmering; I should post it next week.

What's Going on in Your World?

2006-07-19T09:38:00.000-06:00

I think this shall be a numbered post because I'm too brain-dead to make these thoughts into a cohesive whole.

Sidebar: This weekend, there was some HGTV show on and I was half-listening to it while I edited the book and this guy *really* liked the word "cohesive" because he used it AT LEAST five times during the half hour show, which is a lot. I've had that ten cent word stuck in my head ever since thus its appearance in the sentence above.

Anyway.

CyberGuy - He's great, smart, and funny but there simply was no attraction. I think (I hope) he felt the same way. I emailed him and told me that while I enjoyed meeting him (because I really did) I didn't sense much chemistry and think that friendship is in the cards. He responded very nicely.

NOLA Guy - Called last night and left a voicemail. I would have LIKED to have talked to him last night but my child was being evil and would not fall asleep and was not sore afraid no matter how much I threatened him. By the time the child did fall asleep, I was too bent out of shape, and it was too late, to call any damn way. Perhaps tonight will go better.

George - Also called last night. I hadn't heard from him in a while and I was hoping actually that I'd run him off but apparently not. There is a possibility that dear son and I will visit my Brother the Prince this weekend, where we'd be pretty close to where George lives. Conceivably, the Prince and Princess and new baby Princess could watch dear son for an hour or so while I have a date with George. But. I'm not sure if I even want to do that. I think I'd probably have more fun just hanging around with them because they are way cool. I'll need to think on this one and email George, I guess. What do you think?

Watch - I may have to stab this asshole with hot forks of displeasure if I don't get my freaking watch back soon. I have no idea why he hasn't returned it. Jerk.

Random thought - Since I have severely curtailed my online dating and frolicing and whatnot, I have discovered a wonderful thing to do after dear son goes to sleep (which is usually around 9:30) - it's this thing called SLEEP. It's great!

Creativity - I don't know if it's the regular sleep or banishing thoughts of ever finding a good man or what, but I have been much more productive lately. Not that you can tell from this blog, but I have been. Really. And it's a good thing, as the book goes to the printer THIS FUCKING WEEK COME HELL OR HIGH WATER.

Not that I'm impatient or frustrated or maddened or anything. Not. At. All.

We Meet at Last

2006-07-16T09:23:00.000-06:00

Last night I met - at long last - CyberGuy. He and I first met via eharmony waaay back in January. Yesterday I met him at a bookstore in Memphis. We chatted there for about an hour and went to a restaurant where we ate and talked for another hour or two.

His online persona definitely translated in person - he is funny and smart and interesting to talk to.

But. There was no chemistry there. Like, none. I didn't feel an iota for attraction to him.

When he drove me back to the bookstore to get my car, he just dropped me off at the car, shook my hand, and made no mention of our getting together again. I thought good - maybe he feels the same way.

This morning I had an email from him, saying he'd enjoyed hanging out with me and for me to let him know what I was thinking. How do I respond to this?

I can't say any of the normal blow-off stuff like, I've decided I don't want a relationship right now, blah, blah, blah because he KNOWS better than that. Any thoughts?

In other news, dear son's father told me Friday that dear son is going to be a brother. The ex's girlfriend is expecting and they're getting married.

Date Night

2006-07-14T14:22:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow is indeed date night.

I am, at long last, meeting CyberGuy. He and I have been emailing and talking on the phone since JANUARY, people. For those longtime readers of this blog, you know that he had a fairly major surgery and several-week recovery in February. As one might expect, we didn't talk much for a month or so along that time. We got back in touch in March and hey, it only took him until last week to ask me out.

We're meeting late tomorrow afternoon at a bookstore in Memphis. If we can stand each other we're going on to dinner at an Italian restaurant.

I am anxious beyond reason about this particular meeting. I half wish he'd never suggested we meet. That way, we could just continue to email forever and always be there for each other with cheerful thoughts, intelligent discourse on news of the day, flirty comments, and book and movie recommendations. When you think about it, what's so wrong with that? Why shouldn't that be enough?

But we're committed to taking this to the next level. It's going to be such a disappointment after this friendship we've made if we don't like each other. That would just SUCK. He's convinced it won't be a problem. I'm not so sure.

Maybe I'm a little gun shy given recent events. Either way, I will be glad when the date will be behind me so I can stop stressing over what it *might* be like. When it's over, then it will be done. I can drive home and drink a glass of wine, toasting what a wonderful evening it was or I can drive home and drink a glass of wine, cussing him and myself for either one of us thinking that meeting was a good idea.

Note to self: pick up TWO bottles of wine on the way home today.

Dating, Interrupted

2006-07-12T07:27:00.000-06:00

Last weekend, dear friend Laura and her daughter came to visit. Saturday we felt brave and we ventured forth to a nearby town to try our hand at some casual shopping with the two kiddos in tow. Laura’s daughter is self possessed, poised, and rarely whiny. She is the opposite of loud. Dear son, however, is um, well, more high maintenance, shall we say. I mean, he’s adorable and charming and my heart and all that, but, well, expeditions with him tend to be adventures (you all remember The Great Zoo Event in May, right?).

It was a busy morning and afternoon. After we returned home, moved some furniture, watched some E!, I picked up my cell phone and realized that I had not thought of any boys all day long. Seriously. I hadn’t thought about CyberGuy, who I have a date with Saturday (another post on that soon), or Flybastard or Nola Guy or the guy from Nashville (let’s call him George because he seems as earnest and sweet as a George Strait song. Plus he rides horses and all so it fits). It was rather a revelation. Any of you who know me well enough to be reading this blog must know how unusual that behavior is for me, right?

I have turned down a date for this weekend with George, who seems really sweet but…I don’t know. I have also turned down dinner invitations for this weekend or next from two other guys. Actually, I don’t know that I so much turned them down as I made vague, lame excuses for being busy over the next couple of weeks but that hasn’t seemed to deter either, you know, because of the whole men as pursuers/women as prey thing.

This seems like a good thing, right? All these guys interested in me? Not really. Because all I’ll have to do is meet them and then they won’t be interested anymore. Okay, that’s not exactly true. All I have to do is meet them AND act interested in them. That will run ‘em off like nobody’s business.

The thing is…see, for the last few days I’ve been feeling almost, well, resentful of the time these guys are demanding. George called Sunday night and I just plain didn’t feel like talking so I didn’t answer the phone. Another guy emailed yesterday, wanting to know if he had done something that made me angry or upset with him (sigh) which was not, in fact, the case. Then I felt obligated, after he kindly asked, to be online last night so we could instant message. Really, though, I just wanted to be in bed with my book and get a good night’s rest.

Then again, I needed (okay, wanted) to call Nola guy. Now he, I must say, I find intriguing. I actually would like to meet him. Oddly enough, as I was thinking that I would like to call him if I wasn’t so sleepy, I checked my email and had a message from him.

But I digress. This new attitude is foreign and strange and quite welcome. Of course, it may or may not last; how many times have you heard me say that I was sick of the whole dating thing and that this is absolutely THE LAST TIME?

Being a Singleton Sucks Except When It Doesn’t

2006-07-11T10:02:00.001-06:00

After getting home from work yesterday, I realized there was a problem with the air conditioner in dear son’s room. Generally his is the coolest room in the house. Yesterday, not so much. It was downright warm in there. I adjusted a dial or two, turned off the A/C, and attempted to turn it back on. Only the knob just spun around, without any noticeable affect on the A/C.

I cussed for a minute then just took the whole stupid knob off. From there I ascertained, because I’m pretty smart, that the casing inside the knob was broken thus the knob wasn’t turning anything, which meant the machine had probably been on the fan setting all day and that’s why it was warm. I also deduced that if I had a pair of needle-nosed pliers, I could use them to turn the thingey that the knob attaches to and turn the A/C on and off.

But we have no such pliers. I have two screwdrivers, a hammer, a Dad with a drill, and that’s the extent of my handy tools. Oh, good grief. This meant a trip to the heart of darkness, aka Wal Mart. I felt so…I can’t even call the word…frustrated, irritated, and pouty. This is one of those times when having a somebody would be so darn nice. Then he could procure said pliers for me if he really loved me. Or hey, stay home with dear son while I went. But no. In this instance, as in many others, I was ALL ALONE and ON MY OWN.

So fine. I told dear son that we had to go to Wal Mart because Mommy had a to get something to fix his air conditioner.

He looked puzzled. “YOU’RE going to fix the air shonditioner?” He sounded rather skeptical. He is used to his dad fixing everything because his dad, well, can fix almost anything.

I drew myself up and said, “Oh, yes, indeed. Mommy will fix your air conditioner.”

Off we went to Wal Mart. The trip was uneventful. Dear son ran into one of his female classmates from school. He’s such a flirt; they chatted for a bit as four year olds are wont to do. When I nudged him along, he was all, “I’ll holla at you tomorrow at school.”

We got the pliers and returned home. Within seconds, people, I had that thing fixed (and by fixed, I mean I was able to turn it on; but whatever, cool air was spilling forth from it when it hadn’t been before and that’s fixed in my book). I pumped my arms in the air Rocky-style and said, “YES. I fixed it!”

It was pretty cool, really. I went from being all whiny because I didn’t have a big strong man to take care of something that, really, was quite simple (I’m just lazy and hate errands of the last-minute-run-to-the-store-kind) to feeling all empowered (can’t believe I just used that word) because by golly I had fixed the damn thing myself.

Dear son was very impressed.

What Can I Say?

2006-07-05T08:12:00.000-06:00

I haven't updated lately because I haven't *had* any updates really.

Lessee. Well, CyberGuy and I are still emailing regularly and we have tentative plans to get together next weekend. NOLA guy and I talked on the phone Monday evening; I'm liking him more and more. He is into movies, which I love, and he wants to meet me, which is also cool.

Dear son has been gone since Wednesday and will be back home tomorrow. That is EIGHT DAYS, the longest I've been away from him and I'm ready to see him. I talked to him on the phone Monday and he seems to be having a great time.

Speaking of dear son, I had a surreal conversation with his father last week. We were on the phone, firming up plans to exchange the child for their vacation. He told me that I sounded down. I told him that I was sick of dating. That dating, in fact, sucks and I might hate it. I hit the highlights on what all has gone on over the past several months. He said - and sounded quite sincere - that he was sorry to hear all that and hoped things would turn around for me soon. Nice but again, a rather strange conversation to have with an ex. Guess we both must be very mature and well adjusted, no?

I watched a few good movies this weekend - Broken Flowers, Heights, I 'heart' Huckabees. YA'LL. The Libertine is out this week and I definitely want to see that. Johnny Depp, John Malcovich...

If you're in the market for some good smut reading, let me recommend 'Lying in Bed' and 'Lip Service,' both by M.J.Rose.

Yes, I've had too much time on my hands. Shut up. It does not make me pathetic.

Bitter is the New Black

2006-06-29T07:42:00.000-06:00

Not that I'm bitter. Really. Today is a new day, boys and girls.

I hate to stereotype half of the human race, but as a rule men tend to be pretty formulaic. As long as they're pursuing, they're happy. When they catch their prey, not so much. There you have it. Profound, no?

Today's quote, in reference to how we should treat the friends in our lives (good) and how we should treat the shitty men in our lives (um, shitty):

"Men deserve whatever hell and misery you can dish out. Not other women." -- Mama Sanchez

I Don't Think Anyone Is Shocked By This

2006-06-28T12:49:00.000-06:00

You Have a Melancholic Temperament

Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything.You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life.You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you.
Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace.You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life.Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times.
At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you.You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others.You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.

href="What'>http://blogthings.com/whattempermentareyouquiz/">What Temperment Are You?

Since My Phone Still Ain't Ringing, I Assume It Still Ain't You

2006-06-27T07:43:00.000-06:00

(There is probably only one person who reads this blog that will get that title song reference; Kim, I'm looking at you. I know how Gatling Gun feels about country music. Bella is probably too young and I don't know if LK listens to country - or did 20 years ago.)

So Flyboy is still not speaking to me for no apparent reason. I sent him a text message yesterdy and still, utter and complete radio silence.

Now what do I do? I have to get my watch back from him somehow, forcing me to continue to wonder when he might see his way clear to respond. Asshole.

I guess I'll call him in a few days if I haven't heard from him by then.

Day Five

2006-06-26T08:04:00.000-06:00

We are entering Day Five with no word from Flyboy.

I figure there are a few different scenarios: 1) He started thinking about our Q&A period Tuesday evening and decided I may be reading more into this thing than he is, so his natural instinct was to RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY; 2) Along the same lines, he did indeed find this blog and was utterly horrified by how neurotic I am; 3) As per usual, he has been gradually losing interest since we first met and this thing met its natural expiration date; 4) He met someone else who he was utterly compelled by, as he was by me when we first began communicating.

Vote for which one you think is most likely!

I can let this go but one hiccup is that he has my freaking watch, my watch with the band made of typewriter keys, as in my favorite possession. He asked me to bring it because he knew a jeweler who he thought could fix it. In fact, he said Tuesday evening that he was going to try to take it there this week (which would have been last week). I'm thinking that if I haven't heard from him by Wednesday, I'll have to call him. Whether I ever see him again or not, I have to get that watch back!

Dating sucks. Rejection bites. He and I have been communicating for something like six or seven weeks now and I guess I thought at this point, if he hadn't lost interest, then maybe he wouldn't? Clearly, I live in a dream world.

Dear son leaves Wednesday and will be gone for almost a freaking week. That will leave me with so much time on my hands to obsess and wonder. And to drink, of course.

Brian called last night and we had a nice chat. He said again that he still wants to meet. He's another eharmony guy, as is Flyboy, as was Ted, as is CyberGuy, who I should say, I've been exchanging some interesting, thought-provoking emails with.

Move on, right?

Somebody Make Me Shut Up

2006-06-23T14:45:00.000-06:00

I will try to keep the number of times I say, “I don’t know,” to a minimum, as Laura points out I repeat that phrase A LOT when I’m talking about Flyboy.

Tuesday evening I went back to the cabin and to meet him. We watched some TV, ate dinner, hung out. It was nice. Except the part where I asked him questions. Questions like, “What are your deal breakers?” And, “Say something sweet to me.”

Yeah, I know. Shut up. I have no idea why I say those kinds of things. I really don’t want to re-live the whole thing so I won’t go into details except to say that at one point, I asked him wasn’t he glad that I wanted to know what his deal breakers were and he laughed and said, “Well, uh, I GUESS,” in just that tone and continued by saying that he figures this is just him and either I like it or I don’t.

…

I felt supremely foolish by the end of the evening and told him so. He apologized and said he hadn’t meant to make me feel that way.

Clearly, I left feeling like I had made several tactical errors (bringing up the freaking deal breakers thing, letting him know I was curious as to what his were, further letting him know that I thought he would/should care that it mattered what his were, blah, blah, blah. Fuck this is tedious) although I couldn’t tell exactly how serious they were. I mean, I didn’t pout when my blatant attempt at fishing for information/compliment mongering didn’t work and we had a good time. But still.

He called that evening (good sign), but I was on the phone (that’s another story). He left a message and it was late by the time I got done so I called him back the next day, which was yesterday. And I haven't heard from him.

What do you make of that?

Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!

2006-06-21T10:19:00.000-06:00

Ya'll.

We almost had a situation here at the blog the likes of which I can't even tell you about now, as I am trembling yet from the trauma. Or the thought of it, rather.

I barely dodged a bullet. Like heard it whistle as it passed just over my head, grazing my hair. It was NOT GOOD, people.

I was in near hysterics. Thank you, Laura and Claire, for talking me down.

Perhaps one day I can tell you all about it. Maybe.

It's Been a Long Time, Been a Long Time

2006-06-20T14:04:00.000-06:00

Whoa I didn't realize it had been so long since I've posted!

Hm...and where to start. Well, to make a long, ridiculously detailed story short, I saw Flyboy Sunday afternoon. I met him in Batesville where I was meeting another friend and he and I went to his cabin at the lake for a few hours. Much fun. Our original plan, made late Friday afternoon, was for us to stay there that evening and I'd get up early and go back Monday morning. But. He ended up needing to be back in Memphis. We still had a good time.

This post is so freaking boring. Sorry.

It's like when things are going well, I avoid details because I think I'm going to jinx it or something? I am weird.

There are a couple of new cyber guys, well, Brian you already know about it, and then one other new one. But ya'll? I cannot drum up interest in these guys and I KNOW it's because I'm into Flyboy. Ugh. I hope I'm not being foolish. Okay, I'm being stupid enough. I'm going to stop now.

Um, lemme see if I can at least come up with some interesting memes or quizzes or something to put up here.

From Russia With Love

2006-06-14T14:21:00.000-06:00

Go here:

http://www.callme.nm.ru/

Enter your name.

You're welcome.

Things That Make You Go Hmmm...

2006-06-12T18:28:00.000-06:00

Now, where was I…

Flyboy called Wednesday night. He called Thursday night. He texted a couple of times Friday. He called Friday afternoon. He called Friday evening.

I’m thinking maybe I did overreact to his asshole email. Perhaps it was work stress and nothing more. It’s possible.

As I learned Friday evening that I’d be driving through his fair city the next day, he asked me to stop by. So I did and met his daughter, who is adorable and very poised. It was a nice visit. I talked to him that evening. And last night, too, as far as that goes.

It threw me a little bit, though, when he mentioned in passing that he didn’t know when we’d see each other again. His father, who is married, is having surgery Thursday and Flyboy said he’d be at the hospital all weekend. Which makes sense – I mean, I’m not *that* self absorbed, I just didn’t expect it, that’s all. My dad had the same surgery done a few years ago and I went to see him in the hospital, but I didn’t stay there with him. I don’t know. It’s good he’s close to his dad and wants to be there.

Of course, he could also have a date with somebody else. Anything is possible, I’ve learned. Unfortunately.

CyberGuy and I are keeping up a nice email correspondence. He is interesting to talk to. Or write to, whatever.

Then there’s Brian. He’s a new one – the guy who invited me to Jackson Saturday, which, of course, I didn’t go. I talked to him on the phone Thursday evening. He seems smart although awfully serious. Or maybe just a little shy or feeling awkward. He did mention that he wasn’t good at the dating game. He emailed Friday and said he’d call me over the weekend. He was about to lose points but he did phone last night around 9:00. However, I was IMing with Flyboy and another guy (who I’ve assured I can only be friends b/c I fucking am incapable of doing the dating thing it seems) so I didn’t answer. I guess I’ll call him back tonight.

Remember Tim, from Hattiesburg? He sent me a text last night, suggesting that if we got together again, we make it a trip to New Orleans. Whoa.

I responded with, Well, that’s something to think about. I mean, WTF? I didn’t really know what to say. Haven’t heard back from him.

My Weirdness Knows No Bounds

2006-06-12T18:05:00.000-06:00

Sunday morning, whilst I was at Kroger, picking up some flowers for my sister in law, a new mommy, I got sad. Just right there in the middle of Kroger.

It’s something about those floral departments in grocery stores. I’ve noticed when I visit one I often hear myself sigh and leave with a vague sense of melancholy and discontent but I never exactly put my finger on it.

That morning, though, I got it. Those flowers – great masses of them – and this particular place had all my favorites – tulips in every color, bright splashes of gerbera daisies, snapdragons, ballet-shoe-pink roses – those flowers kind of get to me.

What makes me sad about grocery store floral department is the sentiment behind it. Conceivably if you’re dating someone and it’s your birthday or Valentine’s Day and they’re thinking flowers, they’re going to visit a good florist and order a lavish arrangement.

But at the grocery store – that speaks of domesticity, kicked back weekends lounging around, being at the comfortable with each other but not-(yet)-lazy-and-complacent stage. You know, Thursday after work, he stops by the store to pick up a few things for a nice weekend and to look for your favorite things because he likes to see the grin on your face, and hey, I bet she’d like some flowers. It’s last minute and unplanned and actually a little depressing, now that I think of it.

Ever so often I will treat myself to flowers and I don’t spend much money on them – less than $20. Let me tell you – I get $20 worth of pleasure from the flowers. I stop and admire them each and every time I pass by. I lean close and study the colors. I don’t pretend they’re from a guy (I may be weird but I’m not a psycho), I appreciate them because I got them for ME. And dammit I am fabulous enough to deserve them, however you want to define deserve.

I’m trying to reconcile this; on the hand I am happier than I have ever been in my life. Like, ever. I’ve never felt so free yet grounded and independent yet supported by friends and family. I feel creative and strong.

Yet at the same time, I wish for someone to share it with. And it rather pisses me off. I’m happy now, not pretend happy, not wishful wistful happy, but full on happy. So what’s my deal. Why the fuck do I think I have to have someone to share it with?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not mooning about. I’m also not waiting for my prince to come – oh, no, I’m very proactive on the dating side. Some might call me a dating phenom. The term “cyberslut” has been bandied about by less kind people. Others might call me crazy for going to meet a complete stranger, but whatever.

I’ve had so many freaking dates. Lots of first dates. I’ve broken the three-date curse but haven’t had anything resembling a relationship. Why did I write this? Now I’m depressing myself.

Friday, on the way home? Maybe I’ll go by the grocery store and get myself some flowers. I deserve it, right?

I Hope You Hear This Song and It Pisses You Off

2006-06-09T08:25:00.000-06:00

(Raise your hand if you get that 80s reference)

To recap, Flyboy did indeed call Wednesday night. The conversation went…fine…no mention was made of his asshole email or follow up text. In fact, the first words out of my mouth were, “So are we having some pissing contest I’m not aware of to see who can be the most stubborn?” He laughed and said he’d been really busy, flying his ass off. Whatever.

Whilst we were talking, he was going over his upcoming weekend and mentioned he may have to get someone to take him to a neighboring city that he’d had to fly out of. Said city happens to be where my Brother the Prince resides and before I could stop myself I said, “Oh, I’d love to go see my Brother the Prince!”

I hate when I do shit like that. It sounded like I was begging to drive from where I live to Memphis and then on to neighboring city just as an excuse to see him. Honestly, it wasn’t. It was just my freaking mouth engaging before the mind had given the go ahead.

He smoothly recovered and said, “Oh, yeah, I had forgotten Brother the Prince lives up there.” He went on to casually drop into the conversation that he’d have his daughter all weekend. So that takes care of that.

Still, though, a tactical error on my part. Like Internet Quasi-Celebrity Jason Mulgrew says, it always pays to be the party least interested. (I wish I would take the time to link to his post on that.)

He called last night and we talked briefly; he was tired and getting up at the buttcrack of dawn this morning.

Here’s the thing. After being so emotionally overwrought for a couple of days, I’m not sure what I have left for him. I had resigned myself, nay convinced myself, that I’d not hear from him again, had mourned our brief “relationship” or whatever and when I felt I had sufficiently beat myself up about it, felt I was “moving on.” (Whenever I say something I feel stupid saying, I put it in quotes to add irony so I don’t feel like such a butthead.)

The conversation Wednesday evening reminded me a lot of the polite and pleasant conversations I had with the Sheriff and Ted following our dates…you just know something has changed but not sure how/what/why. That’s what it felt like.

Life Coach Laura had convinced me a while back to always have a few balls in the air, to never but ever, put all my eggs in one basket. Not until said guy has sufficiently proved himself, anyway. Which sounds good in theory. However, the problem I have with that is that when one of these things go south and they always do in my experience, there are a couple of guys on deck already. Per Laura’s advice, I continue to communicate (casually – I’m not a complete cyberslut) with a guy or two. So when one thing blows up in my face, another guy seems to be ready to step up to the plate. On the heels of the Sheriff came Ted. After Ted was Flyboy.

All this to say, I have a hard time quitting dating cold turkey after a bad experience because there are always a couple of other guys who I’m beginning to get to know.

Case in point, there’s a cool guy in Jackson who’d like to meet me tomorrow. Another one in Baton Rouge who is emailing. I could conceivably go to Jackson tomorrow but I’d need to be back by 3:00 in order to pick up dear son. I don’t know. What do you think?

You've Got to Know When to Hold 'Em, Know When to Fold 'Em

2006-06-07T18:05:00.000-06:00

As it turns out the gamble blew up in my face. Apparently the 48-Hour Rule is an excellent way to ensure that you will never hear from a guy again. Or conversely, it can be a valuable tool in determining just how big of an asshole a guy is.

As you’ve probably gathered, there has been no word from Flyboy. Not. A. Peep. Like I said, I played the game and lost.

Well, to a point. The thing is, if he is really this big of a jerk/baby/mind fucker, it is far better I learn that now before I get even more sucked in. I didn’t do anything wrong here. However, I am so angry and disappointed at myself for being so wrong YET AGAIN. Apparently, I have zero intuition or perception. I rely on my gut instinct and it is seriously out of whack. Or it dislikes me very much and wants to see me suffer. There were no signs that a mind fucker lurked beneath. Really! (Tell them, Laura!) He pursued me, actively, for weeks. He called/texted/IMed/emailed after the first date. He damn well called/texted/IMed/emailed after the second date. In fact, right up until the minute he sent that asshole email, everything *seemed* fine, just as it had been from the start with him.

Wait – I think I’ve got it. And it’s an old song. The men-as-pursurers thing. That bullshit makes me want to scream. It seems that as long as I appear only semi-interested and aloof and mysterious, then these assholes simply cannot get enough and there are no limits to how fabulous they think I am. The minute, though, that I begin to accept dates and return said interest, that’s when they go limp. So to speak.

What a bunch of wusses.

Ya’ll, I don’t think I can’t take much more of this. It’s hurtful, embarrassing, painful, and makes me so angry at myself that I’m talking to myself in a tone and with language that I wouldn’t use to verbally annihilate an enemy. It is not worth it.

All that to say, the big baby may call tonight with some perfectly plausible explanation. But I’m not holding my breath.

The 48-Hour Rule

2006-06-06T09:40:00.000-06:00

Do you know about this? It was a new one on me. Apparently, you should make a guy wait 48 hours to hear from you, in certain situations.

And my current situation qualifies as everyone but me agrees, seeing as how he sent an email all but kissing my ass goodbye after not returning a phone call from me the night before.

I'm saying the 48 hours starts at11:21 Sunday night when I got that asshole-blowing-me-off-email from Flyboy. You know he sent a normal email yesterday afternoon, right? He called last night. I was actually on the phone when he called so that made it easier not to answer. He left a message, asking him to call him back, which I didn't do per instructions.

I spent much of yesterday and the evening being coached by Laura. She was my lifeline yesterday because I must admit I felt literally sick after the first email I got from him. It was a big ole slap in the face and out of nowhere. Anyway, under the coach's instruction, I am not to respond in any way to him for 48 hours.

That seems so rude! I protested, saying I had never done that before, kept a guy hanging for two freaking days. Even as I was saying those words, I thought about the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over yet expecting different results. Hmmmm.

So I am trying this new thing, stringing this guy along, I guess is what I'm doing. I'm uncomfortable in the role and honestly, feel like a manipulative bitch and mean. And I'm also all too aware that this could totally blow up in my face.

Which leads me to another point...I'm considering emailing him late this afternoon, just before I leave work. I'm sure he's flying so who knows when he'll check his email. On the other hand, maybe I should wait until I get some kind of communication again from him before I respond. What do you think?

(As far as The 48-Hour Rule, I realize I'm fudging a bit but really - 5:00 this afternoon is in the relative ballpark of 11:20, right?)

While it is true that I feel like I'm being mean and plain rude by not responding, it is also true that part of the reason why I'm ready to respond is because I'm afraid he'll lose interest by my doing this hard-to-get shit. I know, it's pathetic. I hated even typing those words but it's the truth.

I do realize that if he loses interest that easily and that quickly, then he's not worth having. But still.

Feedback, folks! What do you think of all this?

We Won't Be Fooled Again

2006-06-05T12:32:00.000-06:00

About a month ago, after The Great Ted Debacle, Laura all but begged me to quit this whole online dating mess and focus just on me - the book, my new place, whatever. Miss Erica, a dear friend in Naples, Florida, suggested that I do the same. Smart ladies both and there they were encouraging me to do the same thing.

I'm pretty self-absorbed so doing this be a snap. But do you know why I don't do it? Because I'm an attention whore. I love a guy telling me I'm smart/pretty/funny/interesting/fun to talk to.

The problem comes when I begin believing my own PR. Or when I start believing the guy, period.

Laura pointed out to me a while back that I am particuarly subseptible to this online dining business because it's based on communication. As that's one of my favorite things, it's very seductive. It feels like you're really getting to know someone, that you're making a connection when, in fact, it may all be a load of shit. That's true when you meet someone in "real" life, too, but it seems much more rampant, for me, anyway with this venue.

Another theory that's been offered is that guys also fall prey to it. It's easier for them to open up online, as well, and maybe when they do meet you in person, they do their own private freakout because they've revealed so much to you, which manifests in their turning tail and running with little or no explanation.

All this to say, I had another email from Flyboy a little while ago. It was very casual, very oh, this is what's going on in my world today - about his work, etc.

So is it possible that he was, in fact, being honest in the earlier email and that he is not blowing me off??

I'm just not sure.

Ooops I Did It Again

2006-06-05T07:51:00.000-06:00

I'm being stupid again, I think. Maybe. I don't know.

But first - back to where I left off.

Ya'll. I now have THE COOLEST patio you ever did see. I should post pictures. The only productive thing we did all weekend was at least, um, productive. If you could have seen what it looked like before...we (and by we, I mean I) dragged old nasty-ass carpet and linoleum out from the patio area. We attempted to level the earthen floor using old-world farming implements. My dad brought me a couple of chemical barrels from his airstrip and we placed an old door from my house astride them and voila! Instant bar, which was Kim's idea and a great one. It's the perfect landing spot for beer bottles, ashtrays, and whatnot.

It's now the ultimate in white trash chic.

Friday I took dear son to meet his dad, who was so late and who I ended up driving damn near Jackson to meet, not that I'm bitter or anything and when I got back - my girls had strung lights up outside and I just cannot tell you how freaking cool it is! We had the best time, sitting out there, listening to the new wind chimes they bought me and admiring the lights whilst we talked and chatted and laughed. And drank, of course.

Anyhoo, after lunch at the local Huddle House the next morning, I headed to Memphis to see Flyboy. And I was so freaking nervous, too. Not sure why but I made my way to his house (easy to get to, thank goodness, as I generally don't do all that well with driving directions). He had cleaned his house (could smell the Pine Sol when I walked in the door), had made a chocolate pie, and was putting together a chicken pot pie. I know, isn't that something? I find it sweet, almost touching, that he had gone to the trouble he had.

We left and took a ton 'o pictures. He's into photography and seems to be good at it. We got back to his house, he finished the pot pie and made cornbread. We ate, drank, talked, watched a few movies, blah, blah, blah. Had a good time.

Starting today, his flying schedule will be Monday through Friday, with two days off. Which sounds okay, only it really sucks. That doesn't leave him much, or any, time to see his daughter, wash clothes, run errands, etc. Before I left, I may or may not have made a tactical error by saying, So when will we get to see each other again? He said that my guess was as good as his. Nothing terribly alarming about that response.

He asked me to call when I got home, so he'd know I made it there safely, which I did. We IMed briefly that afternoon. I had plans that night and after I got home, called and got his voice mail, asked him to call me. And no word from him. Now. In the month or so since we first met online, that's a first, his not returning a phone call.

This morning I had an email from him that he sent last night that said he was going on a phone strike, that he is way stressed about work/career stuff (and he is), and that he didn't want me to think he was ignoring me because he likes me, but I may not hear from him for a while (whatever than means) although he may not be able to resist texting me from work (whatever THAT means). Also that he was turning in early and hoped he'd wake up in a better mood. He also said that he wouldn't be ignoring me.

WTF? This stings a little. It seems strange. Is this a blow off couched in the terms of work stuff? It's a little upsetting and I'm not sure what to make of it.

Okay, ya'll. Comment, pretty please. I need some help with this one.

Oh, CyberGuy redeemed himself Friday, too. Think I jumped the gun on that one; had another email from him less than an hour later and it was quite nice.

Tyler Durden emailed Saturday, saying that he hoped me and my friends were enjoying our backyard beach party weekend, which I thought was sweet.

Really, folks please comment or email and let me know what you think about all this.

My Friends and I Would Like Some Omelettes...

2006-06-04T19:10:00.000-06:00

Only like three people will get that but they'll find it uproariously funny. Although I know inside jokes are rude. Sorry.

I need to make time for a serious update - but for a quick one: Saw Flyboy Saturday evening and we had a good time. Homeboy can cook! It's a long story so I'll need to elaborate more later.

Laura and Kim came down and spent a couple of days with me and we had a really good time, although my liver is screaming in protest. Ugh.

More later...

A Quickie

2006-06-01T10:09:00.000-06:00

Last week, CyberGuy sent me a nice long email, to which by Thursday, I hadn't responded as I was too preocupied with Flyboy. Finally that afternoon, I sent him a brief two-line, "I'm really busy but will write soon," thing. Sunday afternoon he emailed again, because he hadn't heard from me. Which I thought was sweet.

So I emailed him back, carefully keeping the tone friendly yet not flirty, casual yet not flippant. He responded the same day and asked a few more questions, which I answered the following day.

A little while ago, I get this rather snarky email from him that says something like, I'm doing the best to respond to all your emails. I'm like, WTF?

And THEN he goes one step further, b/c I've asked him twice if he'd read my book yet, and says something along the lines of, I've skimmed it, but honestly doesn't think it's really the type of book you just sit and read. Rather if you're interested in a certain food, you go and look it up and read about it.

DUDE. Don't be dissing my book. I mean, SHIT.

I have just been insulted. I mean, really.

Asshole.

What a jerk!!! Oh my goi. Still cannot believe he actually said that.

Continued

2006-06-01T09:21:00.000-06:00

Sunday. Flyboy meets me in Batesville before we go out to this family's cabin out in the boonies near Sardis Lake. After we get to the cabin, he says, Aren't you glad we met Friday? And he's right - it would have been a strange first date, going waaaaay out there with someone who I don't really know.

I was nervous, just, I don't know, the situation. So what to do when you're nervous and alone in the middle of nowhere with a near stranger? Why drink, of course! I had my first shot ever of Jagermeister. And another. And later on, another. Yep. As one might imagine, that calmed me down so that he and I could talk properly without my giggling (I giggle like crazy when I'm nervous). We sat outside on the pier and talked for a while. It is really nice out there; if I was him, I'd be there about every weekend.

But it was hot outside, so we went back in, watched a movie, made out for a while. He is a good kisser. For real. It was fun.

Later we ate dinner, watched another movie, drank more beer. Eventually, we just turned the volume down on the movie we were half watching and listened to music instead. That was fun. I'd make a request, he'd find it on his laptop, we'd sing. It was just fun, hanging out with like that.

Later that night, we sat on the pier and talked some more. He says when we came back in, I stumbled about, grasping furniture as I tried to navigate to the bookcase where the movies were, as I was bound and determined to watch something else. That done, I sat down beside him, handed him a CD and said, Play number six. He said I then promptly passed out. I prefer to think of it as taking a nap, but whatever. He woke me up about 20 minutes later with a glass of water, which I gulped down before going to sleep.

Already, I am not hearing the end of how I wussed out and fell asleep. In my defense, we had been drinking since something like 4:00 that afternoon and the passing out took place well after midnight. That ain't bad, especially for a girl.

I left the next afternoon and have had a semi-freakout since then. I'm thinking I *like* him and it freaks me out. He gives the impression that he likes me, too, but still it's disconcerting.

I wondered what it would be like this week, but I've heard from him everyday AND we have plans to get together Saturday evening. Although...said plans came about kinda because I let him know I'd be in the area, as I'm driving a friend back to Oxford Saturday afternoon, so I'm a little...unsure...or something as to whether we would have gotten together otherwise. I mean, I *think * we probably would have but I guess I'd just feel a little better about it had he brought it up. But really, does it matter that much? I'm guessing if he didn't want to see me, he easily could have come up with an excuse, right?

Of course, I'm such a complete neurotic girly girl that I'm ALREADY wondering if he'll suggest seeing me after this weekend.

Geez. I fucking hate being like this.

In other news, I emailed Tyler Durden Tuesday and heard back from him yesterday. He apologized for not writing, asked I was, how the writing project was coming along. He's exhausted and ready for a break.

I've had a couple of nice long emails from CyberGuy, as well.

So. Again. What do you think?? What does this sound like to you??

Updates Galore!

2006-05-31T08:19:00.000-06:00

Sorry, guys, for not posting sooner.

First, Tim. He texted me a couple of times Friday evening, although I didn't respond because I was on a date with Flyboy (more about that in a minute). Saturday morning Tim called to make sure we were still on.

Now, I must admit that I had such a lovely time Friday evening that I wasn't so much about going on this date, you know?

Speaking of - I debated long and hard about casually mentioning to Flyboy that I had said date Saturday. I didn't. But what would you have done? I just couldn't decide if it would come across as being honest and forthcoming OR more like braggy and bitchy. AND for all I know, Flyboy is talking/IMing/emailing/dating several other girls without mentioning it to me and for me to admit to this date would make me look like I'm way more serious than him, right?

ANYWAY. I met Tim in Jackson and he's pretty cute and awfully, awfully nice. He's interesting and we had little trouble keeping the conversation going. He grew up in upstate New York and has lived in South Dakota and Louisiana and I like that - he has some interesting views. I guess I'm being awfully vague but I don't really know how to describe it. I'm not sure if there was any chemistry there or not, mainly I think because I was some preoccupied with thoughts of Flyboy. You know?

Tim texted me a couple of times that evening and he seems so nice. If nothing else, he is somebody who I'm glad to know. Whether it goes any further - and honestly, even if I'd never met Flyboy, who knows then, either.

Back to Flyboy. He called Friday afternoon when I was getting ready. He asked what I was doing and when I told him I was changing clothes for the third time, he laughed. He asked if I was nervous or excited and I told him both. I met him in Batesville and it was a relief; he's cute and has these great chivalrous (sp?) manner. We hugged when we met and had a good drive into Oxford. I showed him around the town a little bit before we went down to the square and had dinner. We stayed at the restaurant for a couple of hours, talking, had a couple of beers. We walked around the square a bit before sitting on a bench in front of the courthouse. There we talked more before he KISSED me and that was very, very nice.

Around 11:00 or 11:30, I suggested we leave. We got back to Batesville and my gosh, made out like a couple of Baptist teenagers for about 20 minutes.

Okay, this post is getting so long and I haven't even gotten to Sunday yet. Let me stop here and I hope to update more this afternoon. Sorry to leave you hanging, but...

Big Weekend

2006-05-26T07:51:00.000-06:00

Ya'll, it looks like I have THREE dates this weekend.

Flyboy (wow have things heated up with him) is supposed to fly late this afternoon but he's thinking of calling in with a family emergency. If that's the case, he and I are having dinner in Oxford tonight.

Tomorrow I'm meeting Tim in Jackson for lunch.

Then Sunday I'm going to Flyboy's cabin at Sardis. We made those plans first before he decided to take off today, too.

It's shaping up to be an interesting weekend.

I hope to have a good post Monday...

Another One Bites the Dust

2006-05-22T08:00:00.000-06:00

A moment of respectful silence for Dead Ted, please.

Okay, that was long enough.

As expected, he did not call this weekend as he enthusiastically said he would when he emailed Thursday or Friday or whenever it was. I don't have a clue what his deal is but I have better things to do than to try to figure it out.

It's official now - Ted is no more.

Again with the Missing Clever Headline

2006-05-20T21:21:00.000-06:00

A few more updates...

I talked to Flyboy this afternoon and I had a good time chatting with him. Something has changed...in that I'm not trying to figure out anymore what it is about him that I'm not *quite* getting or liking or whatever because I think I am liking him. We'll see where this goes.

Tyler Durden emailed this morning. I like his sense of humor. He has not mentioned anything about getting together. We both seem to enjoy corresponding. For all I know, he's had dates every night for the past two weeks, but I think he is simply at home with his family.

I had a nice email from CyberGuy today. It is nice being back in touch with him; I really did enjoy getting to know him.

This is so interesting and so foreign to me. I'm the one who *always* had a boyfriend, who had never been alone. I came to terms with that and now - look at all these possibilities? Whodathunkit. This playing the field thing is still new to me. Before, my MO was to get ALL involved and wrapped up in one guy, generally someone who I know only, or mostly, from online conversations, which tend to be skewed because, well, I don't know why, they just do. Actually, skewed is not the right word. Just more - it feels like you know someone much better than you really do. Or that's been my experience. But - and Laura is so proud of me - I'm learning to keep several balls in the air because you JUST NEVER KNOW.

Case in point:

Oh, and Ted, who seemed so very thrilled to hear from me last week and was looking forward to talking to me when he called this weekend, remember him? Yeah, he hasn't called. At this point, if he does I may not answer the phone.

To Bring You Up To Speed

2006-05-19T20:56:00.000-06:00

Remember Tim, from Hattiesburg? He asked me out for next Saturday. He is an interesting guy to talk to and I'm looking forward to it.

Ted emailed today and said he'd call me over the weekend; I am *not* holding my breath.

Flyboy phoned last night, although I missed the call because I was trying to get dear son to sleep. I will probably call him tonight.

And that's all my updates.

That Wasn't So Bad

2006-05-18T13:55:00.001-06:00

I had lunch with the Farmer and it went pretty well. It seemed slightly easier to make conversation this time.

But I still hope to goodness that he knows that this falls within the realm of "friends having lunch and nothing more."

I haven't responded to Ted's email from Monday, although I plan to later today. If I have time.

Don't Wanna

2006-05-17T14:51:00.000-06:00

Do ya'll remember the farmer from a few posts back? Out of the freaking blue, he called this morning and asked if I'd like to have lunch sometime. As if from far away, I heard myself say, "Sure!"

Why oh why do I do this?

I made some yummy chicken salad last night and I was rather looking forward to enjoying that tomorrow at lunch at the park and a good book like I did today.

Yeah, Well, Whatever

2006-05-16T10:27:00.000-06:00

Oddly enough, after I emailed Ted yesterday and told him that I could not, in fact, get together Saturday he suddenly had to work Saturday morning anyway. Shocking, isn't it? I suspect that either he's full of it and is saving face or if he does actually have to work Saturday, he wasn't planning on telling me until Friday or something.

I haven't heard from Flyboy in a couple of days so I may have successfully ran him off. Although he was going back to work early this week, so who knows.

Tyler Durden is out of town, but has sent a couple of brief, although friendly, emails.

And ya'll? I guess I'm losing my nerve or something. Because even if he does suggest that get together, I don't think I want to. Know why? Because after we meet, if he's like every single other guy who I've met online, we'll communicate for another week, tops, before the emails will become more sporadic and impersonal before slowly, painfully halting for good.

I have a ferocious headache because I've been staring at the computer screen ALL MORNING. I've done a little writing, but mostly reading the archives at www.dooce.com. She is a great writer.

Next, Please

2006-05-13T20:13:00.000-06:00

I'm cutting Ted loose. The last contact he bothered making was last Wednesday when he assured me that he'd email me the next day. And I haven't heard from him since. Now, that's just rude. And I don't need that shit. I mean, he once called me during the day because he went out to his car to get something and had a minute. So I don't buy any business about wanting to yet being too busy to call/text/email.

Last week we made tentative plans to get together next Saturday, the 20th, but actually, I already have plans that I had forgotten about; a friend is taking some pictures of me to use as my author's photograph for a book I have coming out late this summer. The plans are already written on my calendar and everything. So I'll just email him Tuesday or so and make a half-hearted effort at sounding regretful that I'm going to miss our getting together.

In the meantime, Tyler Durden grows ever more intriguing. I may grow some balls and ask him out for next weekend.

Then there's also Tim, who I talked to on the phone last night. I like the way he thinks. It's independent and kind. Maybe I'll ask HIM out for next weekend.

That way, I can go ahead at meet at least one of these guys, have him pretend he's interested, and then never contact me again and just go on and get it over with.

Or maybe, I'll stay in and paint my fingernails and drink wine and write and plan fantastic things. We'll see.

Also, Flyboy. You know, I also talked to him last night on the phone, and I think I may have at least partly figured out what it is...he just ain't all that fun to talk to. It was a little, well, almost boring.

Working on a Mystery

2006-05-11T12:39:00.000-06:00

Actually, I think I may HAVE figured out the mystery with Ted.

It’s simply a case of his priorities being focused elsewhere, mainly on his children. I think he likes me. I don't think this is a colossal mindfuck or games or the like.

How can you fault a guy for focusing on his kids, right? He has sole custody and they mean the world to him, as well they should.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say it’s not even that he may not like me as much as I like him so much as he is simply unused to making time, or taking time, for anything in his life except for kids, family, work, and himself – and in that exact order, too, I’m pretty sure. He’s said as much before, in offhand remarks, about how he knows he should make more time for himself, etc.

Do I sound delusional? Really. Tell me. I want to know.

Because I may be over-thinking things (as I am wont to do) and it may be waaay simpler – that he ain’t into me like I am into him.

What do you think?

I had this revelation because yesterday he emailed and in closing, asked if I was game to try to get together again. I emailed back and answered that I was and hey, what did his Saturday look like. He responded that he and the kids had plans for the weekend; movies from Blockbuster and pizza. Mkay.

But he did express interest in what kind of visitation schedule my dear son had with his dad in hopes that he and I could coordinate, which is a good idea. And a good sign, too, that he’s thinking that way. Truth be told, I do have dear son this weekend so next weekend really IS better. But still.

So I think we’re going to try to get together the weekend of the 20th. Not sure where or anything else yet. So we’ll see.

In the meantime, Tyler Durden grows more and more interesting. And Flyboy is fun to talk to, so I’m not sure what my problem with that is. Except that his picture? He’s cute and all but he strikes me as someone who you couldn’t trust. Someone who would make fun of you behind your back to his friends. Don’t know why I think that.

We've Got a Couple of Live Ones Here

2006-05-08T18:13:00.000-06:00

Except for Ted. Because I haven't heard from him since Thursday, when he emailed me, asking me to email him the next day, as he'd be at his desk all day and we could email back and forth. As requested, I did email him Friday morning and haven't heard from him sense. What do you make of that?

Flyboy, who I've mentioned before, seems to be pretty nice. We've talked on the phone a couple of times and have emailed back and forth. In fact, he asked me out for Saturday evening but I didn't go. I had some work I needed to do at home and didn't feel great - cold or sinus or something. He seems nice enough, so I'm not sure what it is and why I didn't leap at the chance to go. It's something I can't quite put my finger on.

Then there's Tyler Durden (anyone get that reference?), who's fairly new. He is a nursing student and seems really cool. He has a kind of quirky sense of humor that I like. I have no idea what he looks like, which he has remarked upon. That makes it kind of interesting. We haven't talked on the phone, just emailed. He, too, asked me out last weekend - he had plans Saturday evening with friends but asked if I wanted to see a movie that afternoon. And I did want to go but since I had turned down Flyboy and did still have work to do, I didn't feel right going with him. And, too, was feeling kind of cruddy. I asked him for a rain check.

And THEN there is Tim, an occupational therapist in Hattiesburg. He and I have exchanged emails and text messages and Saturday evening we talked on the phone. Seems cool - grew up in upstate New York, so he has a different perspective, which is appealing.

So there are my updates. Some potential there with at least one of these, I hope, but I do still wonder what on earth happened to Ted. I liked him.

Oh, well.

In Which Confusion Reigns

2006-05-02T13:09:00.000-06:00

(Did I spell "reigns" right? It looks funny, doesn't it?)

Man, alive.

So Ted calls last night. He’s been sick all weekend and sounded pretty awful. He didn’t get much sleep over the weekend as both his young children were sick as well.

We got caught up and I mentioned that Memphis in May would be kicking off and if we were in Memphis this weekend, it could be really fun, because hey – it’s Memphis in May or it could be crowded and miserable, because crap – it’s Memphis in May. He said, “Ur, maybe we should try for the following weekend.” Turns out, there is a festival in his neck of the woods that he and his kids are going to and then later, he and some friends are going to hear Survivor and the Guess Who play at the same festival. Which is cool. But the following weekend is Mother’s Day and so I’ll have only Saturday available. He said that we would work something out. So now I have tentative plans to get together weekend after next. I think.

I am not altogether sure what’s going on here, although I suspect it’s a simple case of my being more into him than he is into me, a feeling I am familiar with, unfortunately. Of course, I’m also impatient and neurotic, so who knows.

There may be another potential victim on the horizon…let’s call him Flyboy as he’s an airline pilot in Memphis. “Met” him, as it were, on a more respectable online dating venue. He went to the same little university here in the Delta as I did, which is funny. Seems nice. So we’ll see.

Have I told you that I heard from CyberGuy last week? I had an email from him last Monday. It seemed heartfelt. He is still not feeling his best, to say the least, but he said he just wanted me to know that he was still interested in me, that he’s not seeing anyone else, etc. I FINALLY wrote him off a while back yet it’s interesting that we’re still in touch. Must be some kind of connection there, right? This has been going on, in some form or fashion, since January.

Insert Clever Headline Here Because I Can't Think of One

2006-05-02T08:06:00.000-06:00

Is there anything lonelier than hitting that refresh button on your email page and have it come back up with nothing? Because if there is, I don’t want to know about it.

I mean, I can deal – finally – with Ted, The Sheriff, CyberGuy, the whole lot of ‘em, not calling. But geez. Not to have email from a friend? Even an annoying forward? Or, shit, how about some spam. Throw me a bone. Please.

This likely belongs in the “Things I Never Dreamed I’d Hear This Woman Say (Or Write) Column” but I think I’m giving up on online dating. (Wait – let me qualify that by saying I think I’ve given up on meeting and dating guys via Match.com, anyway.) Yep, me, perhaps the most boy-crazy gal you could ever hope to meet.

The whole thing has gotten old. I’ve grown rather weary of it. It was fun and fizzy and pretty darn cool for a while. But now, between episodes such as those that took place with Craig Who Is Dead to Me, aka Asshole and The Playa, I just don’t know. (Before any of you point this out, I realize I do reference Dead Craig fairly often. This is because I don’t want to forget him. The little shit taught me a valuable, albeit painful, lesson.)

Here’s why I may turn away from online dating. Or from that particular web site anyway: because it’s a freaking meat market.

Dear friend Laura pointed out to me this weekend, whilst we were drinking together via the phone (hey don’t laugh and be glad we do that – otherwise I’d be drunk dialing some of you folks), her theory on why I am, in particular, so susceptible to this particular form of dating. It’s a good theory and I think she’s right. But that’s a story for another post.

Days Go By and Still I...

2006-05-01T10:47:00.000-06:00

A few updates, all of which pretty much suck:

For one thing, the aforementioned trip to Memphis never took place. Ted’s kids got sick and then his dad, who is on up there in age, was ill as well. Ted’s parents keep the children when he is gone, which meant he had no sitters, ergo our trip was cancelled. When we spoke and emailed on Thursday, he sounded pretty disappointed.

However, we are now entering day four with no word from him. I don’t know what to think about all that. Time will tell.

In other news, The Playa is officially a freak. Remember, he sent me his digital camera a few weeks ago? He and I had, I thought, made our peace with the fact that provocative pictures of me would not be forthcoming. However, last night whilst we were IMing he was all wanting to catch an attitude about it and kept using these card-playing analogies: “I’m calling your bluff. It’s time to lay the cards out on the table.” Huh? I mean, WTF? He told me he was tired of my game playing and my BS (?) and he shall not talk to me anymore because I hadn't taken any photos. I said something along the lines of, Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

I mean, really. Not sure where all that came from. Dude, he and I have been IMing for darn near two months. I thought we were buds!

The whole rather took me aback but whatever. Just goes to show…these guys you meet online, you just NEVER KNOW. Oh and I’m sending the camera back to him today.

Freak.

That's Just the PMS Talking

2006-04-25T21:57:00.000-06:00

Um, it would seem that I *totally* jumped the gun as far as Ted is concerned.

I know, I know. But all the signs seemed to be there.

He called tonight and isn't blowing me off. He apologized twice for not having been in touch. He also said he had missed talking to me all week and had felt bad.

(Still hearing the infinite wisdom of He's Just Not That Into You) BUT what can I say? I believe him. Yep, because I want to.

This is why I get my little heart smashed, because I do believe stuff like this.

He and I are spending a fun-filled weekend in Memphis beginning Saturday morning bright and early. Tentative plans are to meet at the hotel (separate rooms, I know what you people are thinking but no) then on to Mud Island, the Gibson Guitar Factory, Beale Street - B.B. King's in particular, Peabody Hotel to watch the ducks. I like Memphis and it's been a long time since I've done all this so I'm looking forward to that.

But also, I'm hoping to get more of a feel for what's going on here. Not, apparently, that I'm intuitive. Like at all. But still.

Wish me luck!

What Is Up With This?

2006-04-25T10:37:00.000-06:00

You know, boys and girls. I don’t get it.

I’m discovering a pattern and I ain’t liking it a bit. See, guy finds me online. We exchange witty banter, discover things in common and the like. He suggests a phone call. I agree. Actual conversation goes spendidly. More emailing ensues, generally with his telling me how wonderful I am and how he can’t wait to meet me. So we meet.

And then that’s when everything goes to shit. Communications become a little, shall we say, stilted. Polite. Perhaps forced. Certainly more sporadic. Clearly, interest is waning. I’m not all that but I’m not hideous, either, and my personality hasn’t changed so this, I don’t get.

So does this have something to do with the whole hunter instinct? As in, after the prey (me) is no longer demurring over talking on the phone or meeting but seemingly agreeable to getting together again, then interest wanes because he doesn’t have to work for it anymore? Because I’m not alluring or mysterious anymore?

What a load of bullshit. If that’s the case, I don’t need these weak mealy-mouthed lame ass guys anyway. Geez.

My point, and I do have one, is that Ted, who I found to be most wonderful the weekend before last (you can read all about it below – try not to gag) appears to be blowing me off although we have plans for this weekend. (Does this remind anyone else of The Sheriff? ‘Cuz it does me.)

Anyhoo. Basically, from last Tuesday on, communications have waaaaay slowed. I got a very polite email from him mid week which said, among other things, that he may have to work next weekend and wasn’t sure would that mean for our plans.

In and of itself, nothing wrong there. Except the tone? That was totally the same tone I used when blowing off The Playa – polite, non committal, and ooops, oh, those plans we made? Yeah, not gonna happen.

But then Saturday when he called, he said he did not have to work and was in fact looking forward to seeing me.

BUT THEN (can this be the longest, most boring blog post EVER) I haven’t heard from him sense. I sent him a text message yesterday, as Sunday night I finished a book he had recommended (The Talisman by Stephen King – incredible book, by the way) and mentioned that to him. And, um, I haven’t heard back from him. Like, still haven’t.

I’m disappointed because I liked him. Thought he was way cool. And, honestly, got the impression he felt the same way about me. But what the heck do I know.

All in all, maybe it’s a good thing I didn’t rush to cancel my match.com subscriptions and to tell the fellows from these places that I’ve “met someone,” blah, blah, blah.

The words from that terrible book, He’s Just Not That Into You, keep ringing in my ears: If a guy wants to get in touch with you, he will. He will never be too busy, too tired, too whatever, if he’s into you.

Speaking of Beer

2006-04-21T14:52:00.000-06:00

I am looking forward to drinking one or two (or five) tonight with my dear friend from Oxford whilst my phone is not ringing, my inbox is not receiving messages, AND my cell phone is not receiving text messages.

Dammit.

Here's hoping I'll have some good news to report in my next post.

Actually, I'm More of a Miller Lite Gal

2006-04-21T08:38:00.000-06:00

You Are Bud Light

You're not fussy when it comes to beer. If someone hands it to you, you'll drink it.In fact, you don't understand beer snobbery at all. It all tastes the same once you're drunk!You're an enthusiastic drinker, and you can often be found at your neighborhood bar.You're pretty good at holding your liquor too - you've had lots of experience.

What's" Your Beer Personality?

Playing Coy

2006-04-18T12:44:00.000-06:00

For those of you who don't know, I had a date with Ted from Arkansas Saturday.

And it went wonderfully. He's a smart, interesting guy. I like the way he looks at things.

Like the looks of him, too, as far as that goes.

We spent the entire day together, nearly 11 hours; not bad for a first date.

He called when I was almost home, to check to see if I had gotten there okay. So we know he's not like A is for Asshole from last month. We know this because less than two hours after the date, I'd already heard from him, whereas Craig Who Is Dead To Me (the Asshole) assured me I'd hear from him the next day, and, well, folks, still haven't heard from him, which is why he's dead to me.

But back to Ted, who, trust me, is much more worthy of our attention...we have plans to get together next weekend.

I know I'm being so vague but I like this guy (don't worry, not in a head-over-heels kind of way) and feel weird blurting out every last thought and feeling I have about him.

In other news, The Playa is becoming seemingly distressed because I haven't emailed and Instant Messaged him much lately. I've been distracted, and truth be told, the interest in him took a serious nosedive after the date Saturday.

The Russian I haven't talked to much, either. He weirded me out just a little (I don't know why) wanting to meet.

My question for you, boys and girls, is do I keep corresponding with these guys? I'm not feeling much interest in them. Which I know is dangerously close to putting all my eggs in one basket. And I know from past experiences that's not a good idea. So should I fake it? What do you think?

Lunch Date

2006-04-13T10:26:00.000-06:00

So I had a lunch date yesterday. Kind of.

See, I met this guy online, let's call him the Farmer, because he, well, farms for a living. Anyway. We exchanged two or three okay-like emails, no big connection or meeting of the minds or anything.

Out of nowhere, he sends one last week saying he just wanted me to know that he'd met someone and was kind of seeing her. Um, okay. ??? But that he still would like to meet me so we could be friends. This is okay, sounds cool and I tell him that. I get an email back from him pretty quickly saying that actually, he'll be in the town where I work the very next day so how about lunch. Again, um, okay.

Yesterday was the day. It went fine. He is a nice guy, seems smart but there wasn't much spark there. Maybe because he seems so much older than me? I'm not sure. I'd hate to be that superficial, but there ya go. He mentioned the girlfriend only once, so I'm not sure about all that.

In other news, The Playa has been complaining, basically since we started communicating b/c he didn't have enough pictures of me. Tuesday I received via overnight UPS his freaking digital camera. That's kind of weird, don't you think? He told me was going to send it. I thought he was joking. But nope. I guess he's expecting some x-rated glamour shots and boy is he going to be disappointed. Besides, setting up a camera, timer, putting on makeup, selecting a flattering outfit, and taking pictures of myself is way down on my priority list.

The Sheriff Rides Off Into the Sunset

2006-04-10T08:20:00.000-06:00

So it seems anyway. I haven't heard from him in, I don't know, a week or so. I still stand by my original assessment that he's a nice guy and a hot one, too. I feel like he'll be someone who I could go to for man advice. Or call if I had a flat tire while I was in the fair city where he lives, which I visit pretty often.

CyberGuy called yesterday afternoon. However, I was on the phone with another guy (ha!) so I didn't answer it. I haven't called him back yet. I talked to him *last* Sunday and he said then he'd call or email soon and soon to me is in a day or two, not a week. Maybe I'm being too nit-picky. I don't know if I'll call him back or not. I may email him later this week, I don't know.

And good grief do I have other updates for you. But it may take me a while to write it. Stay tuned!

Non-Update

2006-04-05T09:29:00.000-06:00

The news is that there really isn't any news to speak of. Not really, anyway.

Not real sure what's going on with the Sheriff, but I think the thrill is gone. Honestly, he seemed way more interested in me before we actually met. Not sure what that says about me...

If I email him, he'll respond and all, but we're both being very polite and I don't know. I think I have a new friend, which is great, but our dating days are behind us.

I'm all over this online dating thing, though. If someone emails me, if they can spell halfway decently and look even okay, I respond. I mean, why not? Currently, I am an email pen pal to a former Ukrainian (sp?) who lives in Memphis and works in IT (My Russian), a sweetie of a guy in Arksansas (he's too sweet to ridicule with a nickname just yet), and yet another guy in northwestern Arkansas (The Playa) who is a big ole flirt, but that's okay - it's great for my ego.

Wait, I do have a CyberGuy update. He emailed me Friday, I responded and he suggested I call him over the weekend if I wanted to talk. So I gave him a call Sunday afternoon. It was a pleasant enough conversation. We didn't have all that much to talk about, except his surgery and recovery, and frankly, after two detailed emails about it, I've heard *all* I need to hear. He didn't spend all that much time asking about me and the last thing I need is another self-absorbed man in my life. We'll play it by ear but I'm not holding my breath for great things to develop from it.

Last Wkend's Date

2006-03-30T15:41:00.000-06:00

A good time was had by all; that's the short version.

Last weekend, the Sheriff and I attended a surprise birthday party for a friend's sister in law, who I've met twice, but whatever. We had a blast. Like, so much fun. He got here that afternoon and we had to swing by my parent's house to drop off overnight clothes for dear son so the Sheriff got to meet mom, dad, son, AND grandmother, who was in town visiting for the weekend. Yeah, I know. He seemed to take it all in stride, though.

Next I toured him around our little burg before stopping at a local restaurant/bar for a drink. We had an hour to kill. Didn't talk all that much (loud band, crawfish cooking, etc.) but enjoyed the people watching.

Then we had an hour's drive to where the bday party was. Very pleasant chitchat. We got to the restaurant about 6:00 and that, my friends, is when the serious fun started. (That was also when the more serious drinking started, but I digress.) The food was fabulous (seafood stuffed mushrooms, medium rare filet, cajun sausage-stuffed pork chop, chocolate bday cake with chocolate icing for dessert) and we lucked out by being seated across the table from the coolest couple ever. They were so much fun. We ate and drank and drank some more and laughed A LOT. We danced once, which was lovely.

And then, around 10:30 or 11:00ish, (you read that right, some five hours later), we began making our way back to my house. We talked and sang (okay, that was mostly me singing) on the way back and talked a lot.

What can I say? It was fun. He is fun. And very nice looking.

During the drive over to the party I mentioned a movie I want to see (Inside Man) and said something like, "We should see that sometime," and he agreed. This morning I had an email from him saying that he knew we had talked about going to see the movie this weekend (?) but could he take a rain check. He has much to do around his house (he's mentioned this long list of chores several times over the past couple of weeks) and wants to finish them so he can enjoy the rest of the spring season and was this okay - he's working on his communication skills. Which I thought was sweet. So I told him of course a rain check was fine.

So. We'll see what happens next.

A New Sheriff in Town?

2006-03-21T11:30:00.000-06:00

Well....I had a date last weekend, and ladies and gentlmen, it went quite nicely. Sweet guy. Hot guy. Older than me, which I love. Very, very nice.

Perhaps we didn't have a pseudo-deep, heart-to-heart, alcohol-induced talk like I did with Asshole, but we did do pleasant chitchat. And he squired me around to several bookstores and a gourmet shop. It was fun!

And....we have plans of a sort to get together this coming weekend.

Oh, and I realize that I haven't updated yet about Asshole from the previous post, but believe me, he is not even worth the effort it would take for my fingers to strike the keys on the keyboard. Seriously.

A is for Asshole

2006-03-13T16:10:00.000-06:00

Trust me on this. I'll fill you in as soon as I get the time.

The jerk I'm referring to isn't CyberGuy, who I did, at long last hear from; he'd been in the hospital for over two weeks, etc., I don't know. I think that whole deal is done. I wore myself out obsessing over it.

I'm an Appletini

2006-03-06T15:29:00.000-06:00

You Are an Appletini

Most of the time, you're a typical party girl / guy.But when you get super sauced, you really up your sex appeal.

href="What'>http://blogthings.com/whatmixeddrinkareyouquiz/">What Mixed Drink Are You?

Take That!

2006-02-28T08:42:00.000-06:00

So there, CyberGuy. See...at least somebody thinks I'm fabulous.

You Are Boston

Both modern and old school, you never forget your roots.Well educated and a little snobby, you demand the best.And quite frankly, you think you are the best.
Famous people from the Boston area: Conan O'Brien, Ben Affleck, New Kids on the Block

What American City Are You?

I Love This

2006-02-25T08:48:00.000-06:00

And now for something completely different...

I'm taking a break from whining (although I do still dearly want your comments) to put a little somethin' here. And it ain't it cool!

Thanks to Texpatriate and Bookhart, who I stole the idea from. (I know there is a way to link to their blogs from here, but I don't know how - sorry.)

So I'm Reduced to This

2006-02-24T10:11:00.000-06:00

Begging friends and people I hardly know (or don't know at all) to weigh in with their opinions. If you're new here (and if you are, bless your heart for taking pity on me) you may want to scroll down to the post on January 11 and get all the background on this pathetic situation. Yes, you'll wince, as I do, everytime I read the childlike delight and naivete (however you spell it) with which I posted earlier.

On the up side, today is day however-many that I haven't called him. So there. Yea me.

I can't help it, though (and yes, this is where I have always, always, always screwed up in relationships, since I was 12) feel like I'm being a little, I don't know, mean or small-minded or something by not calling to check on him after he's had surgery. I'M NOT GOING TO as nobody but nobody thinks it's a good or even a not horrible idea. Just seems to me that it would be the nice thing to do. But hey, where does nice get you, right?? Where does treating a guy the way you want to be treated get ya?? It gets your little heart stomped all over.

Okay, now I'm just being melodramatic so I'll stop.

On Again, Off Again

2006-02-22T09:46:00.000-06:00

Well. I don't know. And I'm so freaking tired of even hearing myself say and think those words.

To get up to speed...I heard from guy on Saturday, after not hearing from him since the Sunday previous. That Sunday, he sounded sick as a dog and was not doing well at all. I thought after I talked to him that afternoon that he may well be in the hospital by the next day. I left him a voicemail Thursday, just wondering how you're doing, blah, blah. Anyway, he called Saturday (notice how I'm glossing right over Valentine's Day here) and said that he had gotten my message and was returning the call. He had been pretty out of it on meds and was having surgery Tuesday (which was yesterday). He said he appreciated my calling and would try to keep me posted.

Not exactly a great phone call. It seemed that he was calling only to be polite and if I had not left him a voicemail, he wouldn't have thought about calling. Or that was my impression, anyway.

My question to you, dear readers, is at what point do I officially write him off? I mean, when should he have called by if was interested at all??

As much as I'd like to deny it, I'm thinking he's not. Interested at all, that is. I hate admitting this, but I sent him a cute Valentine's card and nope, not a word about it. Maybe he was immobilized by meds and/or illness. It's possible, I suppose.

As I'm writing this and seeing it staring me in the face in black and white, I think I know the answer (sigh) as much as I'd like to think otherwise.

In fact, I've already had this entire conversation, only in much, much greater detail, with L. and she was of the opinion that the phone call sounded like a cold shower and to cut my losses and move on. If I hear from him, fine. Go from there. But don't be counting on it. She's right. I know she's right.

I can conclude only that our whole thing was one of the following two scenarios: A) He was away from home, bored, and lonely and that was what made me so appealing to him and said appeal vanished when he returned home or B) There was somebody who he'd been seeing in town before he left and when he returned, they picked back up. Or maybe a combination of the two.

If any of the three people who read this know any cute, no they don't even have to be cute, how about simply smart and interesting guys, do send them my way. Only not via this blog. Of course. No guy who is potentially interested in me needs to read all this crap.

Updates

2006-02-12T09:10:00.000-06:00

Most people reading this already have the 411. But to summarize, CyberGuy told me that basically -- he is interested in me just that he has simply had a very rough couple of weeks and that when his health issues are resolved he will be back to normal. (Health issues being a somewhat major surgery coming up soon.)

I gave him an easy out, which he didn't take. From there, I made a conscious decision to suspend disbelief and give him the benefit of the doubt. This mainly means that I have to be patient, which, believe me, is NOT one of my strong points, by any stretch of the imagination. But I am going to stay low-key and wait until he is back to normal and then see if normal is anything like the CyberGuy who I first met and really, really liked.

I'll keep you posted on how this goes. (-:

In the meantime, I did have an epiphany yesterday (thanks, L.!). See, a dear friend had been trying, quite tactfully, to point out that perhaps it was ME who was being self absorbed by not stopping to think about how said health issues may be affecting his whole outlook.

Instead, I was all focused on how he just didn't like me anymore and if he did, doesn't he seem like he'd be concerned about how his behavior, and the radical change thereof, was affecting me. Notice something there? All those "me's"?? Yeah, see that? I didn't for some reason. Now that I can objectively look at it from that angle, I feel pretty silly. And spoiled. And more silly.

Now the only danger is going to be my going 180 degrees in the opposite direction; going overboard to reassure him that I'm not self absorbed and I am, in fact, interested, blah, blah, blah. Unfortunately, experience has told me that anytime you're honest and act as interested as you really are, it carries an inherent risk of running off the guy. So I must practice some restraint, and like patience, it's not something I'm experienced with.

In two weeks, I'll be in the city where he lives for the weekend. Do I casually drop into conversation that I'll be there and hopes that he jumps on that and asks about meeting me? Or do I not even let him know I'll be there and wait until he's all recovered before we make that step?

A Little Help, Here?

2006-02-05T17:22:00.000-06:00

You know, I don't know. I really don't.

CyberGuy, I must admit, did seem to be too good to be true. I think perhaps he is. Everything was all just lovely...extended emails and phone conversations that were so freaking fun and full of stuff we have in common and funny stories and just good, good stuff...until about a week and a half ago.

He's been sick. Or is sick, rather, with some stomach ulcer/acid reflux/I don't even know what thing that required an endoscopy last week and an additional procedure will be done this Wednesday. He has apologized, four or five times, for not calling and emailing as usual AND for not being himself when he does so. He feels awful, I know he does. He said yesterday that it even hurts to sit upright at the computer for any amount of time. He can't eat much of anything and has trouble sleeping for more than an hour or two at a time.

So, yes, I'm being incredibly whiny and high maintenance. I know this so you don't even have to say it.

But he emailed late Friday evening and called yesterday, feeling somewhat better AND apologizing again for not being himself, blah, blah, blah. He also said he'd call later last night. Yeah and he didn't. And hasn't called or emailed today, either.

Now, I realize he could be in dire pain or even in the hospital. But in the darkest part of my heart, I believe he simply - for reasons that I do not fathom - does not like me as much anymore.

Those guys who wrote that book, "He's Just Not That Into You," would agree with me here. Their whole things is, basically, if a guy wants to call you, he will. That's it. Pretty simple, huh?

What do you think?

Again, I know I'm neurotic, so you don't even have to comment and tell me that you think I'm that, b/c I know that already. What I DON'T know is what to make of this whole situation. On the one hand, if he was trying to blow me off, for whatever reason, why does he keep calling and during said call, promising to call and email more frequently?? I mean, if he wasn't interested anymore, wouldn't he quit calling period? It's beginning to feel like a mind f*ck. Am I overreacting?

Opinions, needed, please, especially from boys, as I need some insight into the male mind.

And the apartment that I had heard would be available last week - nope, uh uh, the tenants didn't move out. I think I WILL NEVER EVER find a place to live.

This afternoon, I let my child take a two and a half hour nap (and thoroughly enjoyed the peace and quiet and writing time, might I add), which means he'll be up all night. You know what else? I'm going to stay up and watch all of the Super Bowl.

So there.

Yes, I'm having a pity party.

I Really Wonder About Myself Sometimes

2006-01-27T09:04:00.000-06:00

I think I'm too neurotic to be in a relationship, cyber or otherwise.

Really.

Hope Springs Eternal

2006-01-17T19:14:00.000-06:00

Oh. My. Gosh.

I really like this CyberGuy. Like, really. It's making me feel like the biggest nerd, too.

Last week he asked if I'd be comfortable with a phone call. Why, heck yeah, was what I responded only I didn't say it like that. He called Friday night and we've talked every night since for a couple of hours each time. He is FUN to talk to. He gets my sense of humor. He has this kind of almost cynical dry wit. It cracks me up.

He seems to genuinely find me quite interesting and smart.

This is heady stuff.

Nothing has been said yet about meeting and I have been advised to savor this time before we meet (assuming we will).

I really could not stand to have my heart smashed about so I'm trying to be smart about this but wow. I cannot remember when a phone conversation made me feel so giddy.

I'll keep you posted!

Am I Crazy?

2006-01-15T09:42:00.000-06:00

I spent over five hours on the phone this weekend with the new CyberGuy. And I'm goobing myself out but I *like* him. He's really funny and smart. We like the same movies, dislike the same random foods, and he gets my sense of humor.

This is so strange.

But in a good way. (-:

He hasn't mentioned anything about meeting (currently he's out of town working and will be back home in about a week) and I am going to try to not be the first one to bring it up. But it is so tempting to just casually drop something like, "We should go to the Mud Island museum sometime," or insert whatever other kitschy Memphis attraction. But I'm not going to.

That should be his call, right?

Imaginary versus Cyber Boyfriend

2006-01-11T19:11:00.000-06:00

I think a CyberBoyfriend may be just as good as an Imaginary one. Well, not quite because you can't dictate his behavior and script the conversations like you can with an Imaginary one, but a CyberBoyfriend has its up side.

I have a Cyber, well not quite boyfriend, as we have been emailing only one week, so let's call it a CyberInterest. I really like him and it goobs me out how much I do! I already look forward to his emails - he seems smart and definitely funny. And the most important thing, he seems very interested in ME! Can I just tell you how long it's been since someone has been interested in me?

This is all very exciting.

Of course, the flip side of this is how pathetic I feel at how happy hearing from him makes me. There's probably a group for cyber-co-dependents.

And Another Thing

2006-01-08T07:39:00.000-06:00

Are men shrinking? Here is something I thought about last night as I was tossing and turning, unable to sleep, due to the coffee I drank on the drive home from Jackson -- CyberJason was, while not short, definitely not tall. DATE was also of average height. Actually, it kind of seems like most guys I see these days are only of average height.

Call me shallow but I want a manly man, a strapping six feet tall or more.

Update on the cute guys in bookstore thing...I visited three large bookstores in Jackson yesterday. Two were quite crowded, mostly with men. A few women with children, but mostly guys. Out of all them, I spied two cute guys. They were at B&N, hanging out by the magazines, which seems to be where the guys usually congregate at a bookstore - probably because their wives/girlfriends are browsing books. Anyway - one guy, however, I think was gay and the other had that married look about him. And they both were only averge heights - I'd say 5'9", 5'10".

Good grief I hope this is not going to become my new obsession - noticing and observing and comparing how tall every man I see.

Those who know me know I have a raging crush on JM, a local, due to a 30-second conversation we had four months ago that I'm quite sure he couldn't recall if his life depended on it. I think I will not pursue it, however. (sigh) Well, I take that back - if the one person who I know that knows him comes by the office, I will probably mention to him. Other than that, I won't actively try (anymore) to find someone who knows him so they can introduce him to me.

I think I'd rather keep him as my imaginary boyfriend, where he'll cater to my every whim and do wonderfully thoughtful things for me - heart shaped measuring spoons and pink tulips for Valentine's Day, my cover art (ever I get the damn thing) matted and framed the day of my first signing, a goofy Orange County Choppers keychain just because. Yep, an imaginary boyfriend is probably best.

CyberDate Update

2006-01-07T20:43:00.000-06:00

Well.

Okay, he's a nice guy. But the spark just wasn't there. And I never, ever would have recognized him from his picture. We stood in the parking lot of Borders for several minutes and I was just hoping he wouldn't try to kiss me. And he didn't so he either the lack of chemistry was mutual or he picked up on my non-vibe. Either way, though, I'm glad that wasn't awkward.

But good grief, I heard myself saying, Well, we'll have to do this again sometime. The other part of my brain was screaming at me, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? It's that southern be-nice thing that's inbred, I think.

Turns out, this dating fun is not so much fun. Like, at all. Making small talk is a pet peeve of mine. I mean, I can do it. But I don't like it. It feels like work.

(Sigh.)

Onward and upward. I will be back in Jackson this coming up weekend for an organizational meeting of the Miss. Writers Guild. This afternoon - and this was the high spot of the date - I happened upon L.M., one of my best friends from high school! She is glamorous and highly traveled and I haven't seen in her in over 10 years. She and her husband have recently moved back to Jackson and I'm going to spend next Saturday evening with her, which will be so much fun. We'll get all caught up and drink too much wine and probably end up singing bad Cher songs from 1990. Good stuff. (-:

CyberDate

2006-01-05T15:11:00.000-06:00

It looks like Saturday is the day. CyberGuy seemed to jump on the opportunity for us to meet so Saturday afternoon it is. We're going to meet at a bookstore in Jackson mid-afternoon. That seems safe, in a lot of ways - if we really don't hit it off, then there is no pressure to spend the whole afternoon together and be forced to look for things to talk about. If we do hit it off, then we could go on to dinner. We'll see.

As I don't know this guy, I'll be calling somebody - probably my mother - every hour or two so she'll know I'm not in this guy's trunk or something.

This time, I'm not even worried about what to wear. I just want to be comfortable. I have a whole day beforehand all to myself to enjoy.

Tres Interesting

2006-01-04T14:07:00.000-06:00

I just learned this...the word "date" comes from the Latin or Old English word "data" and it's a female part of speech, meaning we're in control, right?

All's Quiet

2006-01-03T19:04:00.000-06:00

Have ya noticed I haven't posted much here? There's a reason for that: no action. I don't think this swinging singles thing is going to be all that swinging. (-:

C. at work paid me a great compliment today. She told me she'd been wracking her brain, trying to think of somebody who she could fix me up with. But she said nobody she knew was good enough to set up with me. LOL

There is CyberGuy, who seems pretty cute, according to his picture. We share some common interests -- movies, books, etc. I am going to Jackson this weekend and we may or may not meet then. He has asked about meeting but I can't decide about mentioning that I'll be in town. I would kind of prefer to just enjoy the day on my own.

Maybe I don't really want a date after all. Only I think I do.

Actually what I want more than anything is some freaking QUIET time. Some alone time. Some me time, which is what the little day trip this weekend is all about. I'm going to listen to the Johnny Cash CD that K2 gave me (I have three friends whose names begin with "K"). I'm going to wear my favorite pink sweater. I'm going to a couple of different book stores, where I'll stay for hours. I'm going to drink overpriced coffee. It will be great.

Speaking of bookstores...tell me something, why are there no cute guys at bookstores? I spend a LOT of time in bookstores and I rarely, if ever, see cute guys in there. Why is that, I wonder? There are guys there, for sure, but they seem to fall in one of two categories -- frat boy with laptop or older man. What they have in common is both species hog the chairs at Barnes & Noble.

Where are the cute 33- to 45-year-olds, my prefered age range?

If you have any ideas, please post comments and let me know.

But Wait - I'm Also...

2006-01-01T20:46:00.000-06:00

The Progressive Girl

Moderation in all things, excess in nothing. -- Epicurus

Imagine that the Girl Next Door moved to the big city. Think of Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally. She's America's sweetheart with an urban sensibility. She's a post-Christian spiritualist, a pre-Monica Clintonite, and a dues-paying member of at least one social-change organization like NOW, Planned Parenthood, or the Sierra Club. You won't find her at an Earth First or PETA meeting, though. Those are the Granola Girl's stomping grounds. Progressive Girls want the world to be a better place, but they live out their politics in a moderate, left-of-center way.

If you are going to date a Progressive Girl, the one sin you can commit is to be a chameleon. Molding your opinions to fit hers will lose her respect. One very positive thing you can do is offer her new experiences -- the Progressive Girl is fearless about trying new things. Whether it's pluralism, skydiving, Asian peanut sauce, or this book, the Progressive Girl is always looking for new ideas.

She Might Be a Progressive Girl if:
She drives: a small SUV but really wishes it got better mileage; once she can get a good hybrid, she will.
She can talk for more than ten minutes about: just about anything.
She begins her sentences with: "Susan Sarandon says..."
She'd never: pass up the chance for a new experience.
She owns any of the following: a water filter, a tabletop fountain, an acre of rain forest, a mutt from the pound.

Wanna know more about the Progressive Girl? We’ll tell you which CDs to play, shoes to wear, magazines to put on the coffee table, flowers to bring ... and of course, what to cook. Pick up a copy of Cooking to Hook Up.

Who Knew?

2005-12-31T14:29:00.001-06:00

According to this quiz - and I do love quizzes - at www.cookingtohookup.com, I'm a Career Girl:

"I have a head for business and a bod for sin." -- Melanie Griffith in Working Girl

You don't need to be a rocket scientist to hit a home run with the Career Girl. However, it wouldn't hurt to be an EVP, SVP, or CEO of a Fortune 500 consortium. Bottom line: You can achieve synergy with the Career Girl by strategically leveraging your core competencies in order to deliver value-added, win-win solutions. At the end of the day, the Career Girl appreciates a proactive, results-driven approach. What you need, my friend, is an operational game plan.

If the paragraph above leaves you feeling a little out of the loop, here's the English translation: You don't have to be brilliant to deeply impress the Career Girl, but it wouldn't hurt to be a senior executive at a large, successful company. In simple terms, you can build a common bond with the Career Girl by focusing attention on your own basic talents in order to show her how a relationship with you could be a good thing for everybody. Once everything is said and done, the Career Girl is looking for a guy who is upwardly mobile, forward-looking, and, above all, isn't just letting life happen to him. So, you can't just let this date happen to you, either.

She Might Be a Career Girl if:
She drives: a BMW, Acura, or Mercedes.
She can talk for more than ten minutes about: her company's stock valuation.
She begins her sentences with: "My financial advisor (or broker) says..."
She'd never: pass up lunch with the CEO.
She owns any of the following: the latest and fanciest cell phone with a headset, a laptop, a Franklin Covey planner (with the convenient inner pocket for a PDA).

Wanna know more about the Career Girl? We’ll tell you which CDs to play, shoes to wear, magazines to put on the coffee table, flowers to bring ... and of course, what to cook. Pick up a copy of Cooking to Hook Up.

And Another Thing

2005-12-23T10:25:00.000-06:00

Another gripe I have, while I’m at it, is about those books and movies where the central character suffers the same. In this scenario, her friends are all concerned because she won’t put herself back "out there," because she’s too scared to "try again." Apparently, at some time in the past, all of said friends had gone to great lengths to fix up this girl and for reasons that are usually unclear, the central character has "dropped out" of the dating scene and half-heartedly protests that she is "happy with the way my life is now" (I’m reciting verbatim - that’s what all the quotation marks are about) and why can’t everyone just see that she is truly content and just let her be.

I find this patently unbelievable, mainly because whose friends have the freaking time to worry about you because, while you’re happy, you’re not seeing anybody?? Um, hello, you’re doing good if your friends worry about you when you’re headfirst in a gallon of Ben and Jerry’s and are mainlining cheap wine. But you’re happy - forget about it. If you’re doing good, then they’re going to need you to listen to all of THEIR problems.

Everyone is way too caught up in their own dramas and tragedies to worry about someone who is just fine. The more I think about it, the more ridiculous it seems.

Of course, maybe I’m just jealous and a wee bit bitter. Because not a one of my friends has voiced concern because I’m not back "out there." Admittedly, I haven’t single all that long. And I guess that since, I have been on a Date I am technically “out there.” But still.

Glad I Wasn't Waiting By the Phone

2005-12-22T15:18:00.000-06:00

Realized yesterday that Date hasn't called this week. He mentioned after lunch that he'd call me next week.

Maybe he was bored, as I was, just a wee little bit.

Reality?

2005-12-17T07:13:00.000-06:00

Have any of you have seen a movie or read a book where the central character is female and is actively pursued by a guy tailor-made for her only she can’t see it because she’s too bruised from some past relationship or other such nonsense? The scene is almost always the same word for word, where there is some big confrontation and the guy in question says, all wounded, "You’re so afraid of being hurt! Can’t you see I’m not that guy!" etc., etc.

Has any guy in the history of the world ever actually said those words? No. Of course not. Those screenplays and books were written by WOMEN. Women who have very healthy imaginations, might I add.

Not that there aren’t women in that situation (Although, frankly, I find it hard to believe a woman would rebuff a guy who clearly cares for her and is right for her, mainly because this is a phenomenon that I’ve never seen happen, not that it *couldn’t* happen, I’ve just never seen it. Ever.) but puh-leez a guy who would actually A) intuit that this woman had apparently been hurt at some point and B) actually care enough to pursue it. The Tooth Fairy is more believable.

I know what you are all saying, "Think of the challenge! Men love a challenge!" Most men do enjoy a challenge yes, but a whole lot of high maintenance trouble, no. Not so much.

Lunch

2005-12-15T13:53:00.000-06:00

Well, lunch was, it was fine. Conversation did not flow by any stretch. It was kind of work keeping the conversation going, really. There was a little of that Saturday night, not really, but kind of, and I chalked it up to first date nerves.

Maybe he's kind of shy. I don't know.

He's still cute, though. (-: And apologized for being late. I hadn't realized he was, but apparently he was five minutes picking me up. So he's still very nice.

Said he'd give me a call next week and we'd see what was going on - mentioned that he knew the holidays were busy, etc.

Hm. I don't know.

At any rate, there is another possible potential maybe guy on the horizon. He came in the law office where I worked this summer and I remember his asking me questions about something and it wasn't until an hour or so after he left did it occur to me that he was probably just trying to make conversation.

Apparently then I wasn't ready to date really. Buddy, I am now.

His name has popped up a couple of times and now I'm on a mission to officially meet him. He's divorced, very cute, a business owner who's apparently smart. He's older than I am, which I love.

I HAVE to meet this guy before some other divorcee gets her hooks into him!

See, this way, if I have two possible options, it helps split my obsession so I don't get too wrapped in any one person.

Lunch Date

2005-12-14T10:49:00.000-06:00

Woo hoo! Date called this morning and asked me to have lunch tomorrow - yea!

A Little More Information

2005-12-13T13:02:00.000-06:00

Today I saw the friend of my mother's who is also friends with Date, the one who helped bring out the DATE. She said that he had called her yesterday to tell her how the date went. He told her that we had no trouble making conversation and that he'd enjoyed it.

I made the comment to her that I was glad to hear this because I couldn't get a read at all from as to if he was having fun or what. She said that it sounded like he'd had fun and that he had called her to tell her about it.

This is good, right? Maybe I was hoping that she'd say, "Oh, he's definitely going to call," or something along those lines. I always want MORE. Oh, well - I'm thinking that what he told her must have been positive because if it was otherwise, I don't think she would have brought it up at all.

The Rest

2005-12-11T15:07:00.000-06:00

Okay, where was I?

I can't remember. It seems like I may have hit all the high points.

He is probably one of the nicest guys I've ever met. But he is also very cards-close-to-the-chest. I could not get any kind of read whatsoever about what he thought about me. You know, if he was thinking, "My gosh I have never been so bored in my entire life and can I please leave now?" or "This woman is amazing! I must see her again!" or somewhere in the middle.

At any rate, at the end of the evening he said something about our having lunch together sometime, I told him I'd like that. He said he'd give me a call sometime, probably the day before. I said that he knew where I worked and had my number so that would be fine.

Oh and we never traded business cards. But by golly at least I was prepared for it.

So now I'm a DATER.

THE DATE

2005-12-11T08:04:00.000-06:00

5:30 p.m. I'm exhausted - it's been a busy day. So I go ahead and leisurely get in the shower, fix hair, put on makeup, and don the outfit, taking my sweet little time. Glance at my watch - freaking only five minutes after six. I've got a looooooong way to go until 7:30.

6:06 Have first glass of wine.

This is the goobiest thing and I can't believe I'm admitting it, but next I made a business card. You know, just in case we do that self-important professional thing where we exhange business cards. In my defense, I do need some anyway and I've been told that more than once. Really. Besides, designing them and printing and cutting them out helped eat up some time.

In the meantime, also pick up a jillion Red Hot candies that dear son repeatedly spills on the carpet. I think he does it it for the fun of hearing me say, "Don't spill those! Watch what you're doing! Don't eat those off the floor!"

Start on second glass of wine.

At 7:22 the phone rings. It's Date, calling to say he is running about 5 minutes late. How nice that was.

At 7:36 he drives up and rings the doorbell and yea! he's cute! I was pleasantly surprised. I didn't want to get my hopes up, so I had imagined a beard and potbelly. He has neither - blondish hair, slender, and just cute. As I'd heard he was into horses, I had also half-expected he may have on worn jeans, boots, and a big ole belt buckle. Nope - nice dress shirt and slacks. And boots, I think, but I like boots. I like jeans, too, as far as that goes, but ya know.

Conversation is a little stiltled on the 30-minute drive to the restaurant. Not awkward, just not quite flowing. That first little bit is always trying.

He had been to the freaking coast and back yesterday! Had taken a load of food, clothes, and toys to a shelter. Like I said, very nice guy. But good grief I would have been so tired.

We got to a restaurant I like that he had already picked. We stayed there for something like two hours -- conversation picked up. And I was quite surprised at how quickly the time had gone by, so that must have been a good sign.

I can't believe this but I have to stop now. Dear son's Christmas program is this morning and I've got to get ready to go.

Not to leave anyone hanging - we had a nice time and it sounds like I may be hearing from him again.

Update more later, but it will be this afternoon sometime!

Countdown

2005-12-10T15:24:00.000-06:00

Four hours to go and I am quite calm. I think everyone would be proud. Actually, I've been so freaking busy today, I haven't had time to think (too much anyway) about THE DATE.

I have been helping my mother since about 8:00 a.m. We've been cooking candy and cookies for a thing tomorrow afternoon and straightening up the house. The family is coming next weekend and we will have our Christmas celebration on Sunday afternoon. My mother is a tizzy and saying that she's not. But I know tizzying when I see it and it stresses me out big-time. So I'm ready for tonight.

At work yesterday C. suggested I have a glass (ha - when I was typing this, I started typing "bottle" rather than "glass" -- Freudian slip, anyone??) of wine while I'm getting dressed. On the phone today, L. suggested I have two glasses.

Yesterday I met someone else who knows him. She asked if I liked to ride (horses, she meant, just so there's no confusion). I told her I had a time or two, that my dad has horses. She said thatthe date was a cowboy.

Interesting.

More News

2005-12-08T11:23:00.000-06:00

THE DATE outfit is selected, thank goodness. Many thanks to C., who I work with, for bringing the perfect shirt.

Last night at church, mentioned to a friend of my mother's that I have a new place to live AND have plans for the weekend: THE DATE. Turns out she knows the guy and went on and on about how sweet he is and what a great guy he is. He is friends with one of her mutual friends, and I know that he (the mutual friend guy - again, this rapidly gets confusing) is a fine person. I'm betting that means he is also very nice. Also learned that he enjoys riding horses and recently returned from a trip to the mountains (not sure which mountains) trail riding.

Now I'm not so much nervous as I am just looking forward to it. At the same time, today is already Thursday, which means the next day is Friday, which is dangerously close to Saturday. The time will either fly or crawl on Saturday. But I should be plenty busy doing other stuff so maybe I won't obsess.

Maybe.

This sounds a bit over the top, but for a while there I was wondering if I would ever have another date. Wasn't altogether sure I wanted one. Wait, I definitely wanted a date, it was the resulting relationship that can happen that made me a little apprehensive.

And now I'm actually going on one. Cool!