Another Reason to Avoid TV

I won’t get into my spiel about how I’m alone and not dating but IT’S OKAY, because really, if it was okay, would I have to say it’s okay? I think not.

What’s hard is the things that catch you off guard, the ones you don’t see coming.

Like during the holidays or around my birthday I may expect a certain amount of loneliness, forelorneness, to feel a tad desolate at time but simply enjoying life one Saturday afternoon and out of the blue…

And it’s a commercial for crying out loud. For bread. Nature’s Own. It’s this song, a duet by singers whose voices are so clear and pure it makes me think of a mountain stream that John Denver might have sung about.

Judging by the woman’s voice, I’d guess she is attractive with shiny, healthy hair, the kind of person who makes her own granola, so that you kind of want to hate her for that but you can’t because you like her so much.

And the guy. He has salt and pepper hair, soft, genial lines on his face from smiling and listening earning while nodding slightly. He wears jeans a lot and appreciates good conversation the way others do fine art.

The lyrics on the commercial, which is an actual song and everything:

I don’t love you much do I
just more than all the stars in the sky
I don’t love you much do I
I think you hung the moon and that’s alright
See how it sparkles in my eyes
I couldn’t hide it if I tried- that’s right
I don’t love you much do I
just more than anything else in this whole world

Here is proof positive that I am kinda sad. Should a bread commercial really evoke this level of feeling?

What Guys Think Women Like

Flashy sportscars. Unless we’re 16 and you’re a pedophile? Then no. Any man, no matter how wealthy he is, who drives a red Ferrari/Corvette/Porsche is clearly compensating for something. It may be, um, things of a physical nature, or the lack thereof. It may be things of an emotional nature; this guy refuses to get close and have an actual relationship but hey! He has a Ferrari/Corvette/Porsche. Which he thinks will be good enough, which is why he’s wrong.

He could also be having the inevitable mid life crisis, in which case, we women are grateful that he is so clichéd and unoriginal. The red Ferrari/Corvette/Porsche states as clearly as a tattoo on his forehead that he is indulgent, self-absorbed, possibly whiny and not anyone to get involved with.

Being laid back. Back in the day, when I used to do the online dating thing, this was inevitably something men would say to describe themselves. Sometimes it was the only thing in the way of description, “I’m laid back and easy going. If you’re looking for mind games, look somewhere else. I enjoy spending time outdoors, walking in the rain, and cuddling on the couch.” Barf.

What does laid back mean, anyway? Everyone thinks they’re laid back and easy going. If that was actually true, there’d be no such thing as Valium. It’s a meaningless phrase that’s more than likely untrue and worse than that, it’s lazy thinking. I don’t know if there are legions of men who’ve been told, “You’re just too uptight!” just before a glass of wine is tossed in their face as their girlfriend flounces from the restaurant, but I don’t see where being laid back is all that great of an asset. I’d much prefer ambitious, loves to laugh, reads a lot and not just the sports pages and Maxim and don’t say the cereal box, trying to be funny – it ain’t, and enjoys good conversation. See that? Infinitely more appealing than drivel about being laid back and easy going. Get over yourself. Try this: actually think.

Red roses. Apparently somewhere in the manly manual it says that red roses right all wrongs. Right…just like saying, “You’re beautiful when you’re angry,” gets a guy all the ass he can stand. I know that’s how it always was on The Love Boat. But in real life red roses are such a lazy choice that I’d just as soon have my favorite chips and candy bar. I think more thought would go into that than buying a stupid bouquet of red roses with the baby’s breath. Or actually, a gift card to Target would be better than that.

Little hint, guys: Women will tell you the flowers they like. If you even half listen part of the time, you should pick this up. Just listen. Then make a mental note to get those flowers in that color for her birthday/your wedding anniversary/Valentine’s and you are assured to score – and a BJ is entirely possible - each time.

When I was getting married, I desperately wanted a bouquet of tulips for my wedding. I said this. Out loud. Several times. I cut out pictures depicting the bouquet and the ribbon I wanted. The person who was doing the flowers may or may not have been closely related to the groom. My bouquet was…roses! And in no way resembled – at all – what I wanted. I cried on my wedding day and my soon to be husband thought I was being ridiculous and took the other person’s side, the person who did the flowers who may or may not have been closely related to the groom.

During the honeymoon, every time I thought of those flowers, tears welled up, although I said not one more word about them. But I did mention anytime I could possibly work it into conversation, that, “Gee, do I love tulips!” Don’t you think that, oh, I don’t know, getting me a bouquet, or crap, a potted plant of tulips for an anniversary gift would have been appropriate? Do you think this ever happened? Are you surprised we’re divorced?

WTF was I talking about anyway?